


The Twist and writhe of Sod’s law

by Howlynn



Series: Law of Sod [2]
Category: Inspector Lewis, Lewis (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 09:52:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9066640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howlynn/pseuds/Howlynn
Summary: This is Robbies side of 'What if everything went wrong'





	1. Going - going

The Twist and writhe of Sod’s law

 

“You should probably tell Laura, you know. That you don’t want to go.”

Trust James to know his mind without a word.

 

What it all came down to was a simple fact. Robbie didn’t want to go to New Zealand.  It had all sounded like a great lark when it was just something to muse over, but the truth was, it was real now and he didn’t know how to back out. 

He and Laura were in an inverse wave of anticipation. The closer the settled date of departure came, the more excitement she exuded whilst the less he wanted to think of it.  If he backed out of this and spoiled it for her, like he had the Italian trip when he went back to work, it would be the same as ending their relationship. 

He knew that and that was why he hesitated. He had to choose between work and Laura.  He was two years older than Morse now and who knew how much further he could go.  Hell, he may have no work two months from now.  Laura was the right choice.  He knew that.

But deep down, he knew it was not the choice he wanted. If she were just content to let things stay as they had always been, he would not be in this dilemma.  All he loved was here.  His life was here and now she wanted to go off and chase a dream and it was not his dream, but what kind of man would he be to deny her this chance.  A right sod, that’s what.

Trip of a lifetime.

He knew it was selfish. The world would spin without him.  His leaving would barely make a ripple on the water.  If Oxford had survived the loss of Morse, and it had, Robbie Lewis was far from anything that would be missed.

Well, one person would miss him. At least he thought that he would.  He could claim it was work or being too set in his ways or stubbornness or fear, but deep down, the one thing that Robbie could not stand the thought of leaving, was Detective Inspector James Ignatius Winston Hathaway, the most awkward, irritating, know-it-all sod that ever graced the earth, save Morse himself. 

He was not telling a lie when he thought it was work that had him dragging his feet. James was work.  Everything that he loved about the job, everything that kept him getting up every morning to wade into and sort out the wretched disgusting wrecked lives of Oxford, existed within a brooding clever-clogs who had step by step led him out of the darkness. 

James had saved his life. Not just on the job either. They had sort of saved each other.  Oh he hadn’t seen it at the time.  He’d been too exasperated and truthfully flattered at first, not to mention annoyed.  He had not disliked James, but he had mixed feelings in the very beginning.  There were so many similarities to Morse. 

It hadn’t taken long for the dissimilar qualities to overtake the things he’d first seen. James was probably cleverer than Morse, if he wanted to be truthful.  But where Morse was all egotistical flash and amused cynical snobbery, Hathaway was cloaked in unfathomable guilt and discreet sorrow, probably sprouted from his past as a God-botherer.

Morse liked to be right because it boosted his ego. For James, he needed to be right simply because making mistakes was unforgivable. 

Morse couldn’t care less when he was criticized or misunderstood; he reveled in pointing out the errors of those foolish enough to take him on. It was a game full of puzzles and Morse was master of the earth.  At least that was how he seemed to most people.   They didn’t know the lonely, vulnerable man who had learned humility and disappointment the hard way. 

Hathaway on the other hand seemed to have risen from hell on earth to strive for the hope of goodness and a need to embody the virtues of the great religious martyred souls and the sacrificial heroes of forgotten stories in obscure languages. He soared, only to fall again and again.  Hathaway was his own worst critic and had a habit of tethering himself to burdens that he had no business bearing.  Maybe he was moored, rather than tethered?  Tied, chained, bound or shackled, James kept his secrets close and allowed them to scourge his soul with regularity. 

How could Robbie think of abandoning his James even for the promise of the love of an extraordinary woman such as Laura? Of course she was absolutely perfect.  She was warm and giving and at the same time strong and independent.  Why she would waste her time on an old fool, much less be so understanding and patient with him, he had no idea.

He deeply loved her. She was as beautiful and bright as the day he met her.  She was in love with him, had been since before he lost his Val, she’d admitted sheepishly one night after a few too many glasses of wine.  She was more than he could have ever asked for a second time.  He’d be a bloody idiot to choose to be lonely and effectively return to miserable celibacy and ‘pierce and ping’ meals in front of the telly over a full life of quiet joy and contentment with her. 

Nobody would be that stupid.

Yet, here he was, searching for an excuse to do exactly that.

The excuse came with a boom.

They were both knocked off their feet and shaken. Robbie crawled to James first.  For the flash of a second, he had one of those premonitions that he would find James dead.  It was all dust and smoke and debris so he had to feel his way toward his partner.  He said his name five or six times before he heard a response.  James knocked some of the rubbish he was half buried in off himself and called to Robbie.  They checked each other over properly and grinned that they had just survived a bomb relatively unscathed. 

Robbie’s wrist was giving him a little pain and his ears had not weathered the blast without complaint, but they were both generally alright.

The poor fellow who threw the damned thing out the window made his own survival known with screaming. They called to him softly to stay calm.  James got on the phone to call the circus.  Once the ambulance attendants gave David Capstone a shot for the pain and helped him on the trolley, Robbie called Laura at once. 

She didn’t pick up, but he knew how news would travel and she would think the worst. “Hello love. It’s me.  I don’t know if you have heard yet, but I just wanted to let you know that I am fine.  So’s James.  It was just a small bomb so no need to worry. “  There, at least he was covered with Laura.  She would not hear about it from someone else first. 

They had just inhaled a couple handfuls of smoke and plaster and James had a cig out and lit before they were five steps out of the building.   He took the piss about their ears ringing then Just-call-me-Joe showed up and acted like they got blown up by some lack of procedural understanding.  He didn’t take well to being treated like a child, “I’m not a huge fan of it meself!” 

He and Hathaway had made stupid jokes all the way back to the office. Sure enough Laura was waiting.  He could see the stress on her face and he opened his arms, offering her his amused comfort and planning to soothe her fears when she bloody hit him. 

Hathaway, the chicken, bunked off without breaking stride. Left him to be attacked and accosted by this very angry demon-woman.  He gave James a look conveying his sarcastic appreciation for all the help as the blond head strolled away and looked back as if amused.

“What was that for?” Robbie demanded, getting an ear full and another bit of love and caring for not knowing what she was so mad about. Putting himself in harm’s way? Like standing here?   She knew what this job was, though he was doing a might bit less paperwork than originally planned.   She didn’t like his message and he was now an idiot. 

Well she was already angry.   May as well drop another bomb. 

He did tell the truth. “I’m scared. The truth is if I leave now, I’m not sure there will be anything for me when I come back.”  His eyes drifted up the hallway, to his real meaning.  What if James had been alone today?  Would he have died?  Would he be as careful without Robbie around?

 Robbie knew the answer to that.  James had shown more than once that he would storm in before it was safe.  His first case with the brain surgeon had proven it.  He used no caution.  Then when another cop was murdered and they were at odds because it had been Robbie’s case and it looked like he had botched it, James was in a whole new zone that Robbie had never seen before.  When every other cop was ordered to stay in pairs, it was Hathaway who traipsed all over on his own, as if daring the killer to find him.  There was a fine line between not afraid to die and poking the reaper with a stick.

 Robbie could not leave for New Zealand and get that call. That, ‘we regret to inform you’ call would make his heart stop.  He hated that he was disappointing her, but he felt like he could breathe for the first time in weeks.

“No one’s going to forget you, Robbie.” She was frowning with confusion.

“I’ve seen it happen _.” Oh, Laura, love, don’t you remember me when I lost Morse?  I know he is fine on his own as far as work, but James is not ready to be alone._  

“Would it be the end of the world?”

He put it better, but kindness didn’t hide it completely _. This is what I want.  This is who I am.  This is where I want to be when my world does end._

 “…Until the day they carry me out a’ here.”

Her eyes teared and her chin dropped, the anger melting into a sorrows dawn. “Like Morse?” 

Why deny it? It was done.  He tried to be gentle but it probably didn’t help.

He and James were in their stride within a half hour and it was splendid and exactly where he wanted to be. They arrested a housebreaker at David Capstone’s house.  They thought it was fitting and finally they had a clearly motivated suspect with a flexible moral compass and access to fulminated mercury.

They were at the pub discussing the twist and writhe of knots when James’ phone took him off to his father’s care home.   No, this was not the best proper time to be leaving James to stand alone in the world.  Lizzie was a dear but she still didn’t know how to handle her Guv just yet.

Robbie didn’t hurry home. He was not much interested in long talks and rehashing something he could not even explain to himself.

 

He needn’t have worried. Laura had barely spoken to him last night and he didn’t blame her.  He was up and gone before her alarm went off.  They spent the next morning doing follow ups, he and Lizzie. 

Then the apparent bomb maker blew himself up. Laura was perfectly professional. You couldn’t have ever guessed she was even annoyed with him.

James huffed into the crime scene, offended as if he had not been invited to the party.

Robbie sent him away and was calmly informed, “We don’t do holding hands.”

 God, Hathaway was an irritating clueless wanker sometimes. 

Then Andrew Dimmock was not alive when he’d been blown up and Laura sort of threw it in his face that she would be heading off without him. Really she was telling James, knowing Robbie wouldn’t have said a word. 

Sit on her suitcase? Great.  Here it came.  James sitting on the bonnet smoking, contemplating his new tidbit of information. 

“So you’ve decided not to go?”

“That’s right.”

“THAT. Is your decision. “

“Come on then, spit it out.”

“No. it’s just wondering why you’ve changed your mind. You were keen. Wondering what has happened.”

“Nothing’s happened.”

“Well if it isn’t something that’s already happened then it’s something you think will happen.”

“Have you quite finished?” Robbie looked back toward the building, desperate to not have this talk where Laura could hear.  God, James was so damned close to the truth.  Robbie wondered how much the clever clogs had actually figured out.  His heart was thumping the front of his suit like a cartoon. 

Then James’ brain took a turn and figured out the partial truth he’d told Laura, but not the secret things.

“Do you love Laura? Then go.  Show her you love her.  Don’t assume she knows.  People make that assumption and it’s a mistake.”

Robbie didn’t even know how to interpret this little speech _.   He wanted him gone.  Don’t assume.  Don’t make a mistake._

 _Does that mean James would have told him if he cared? Is that what he was saying?  Go, because you are assuming too much?  Damned him.  He had to know.  Are you telling me to leave you, James man, because if that’s the truth, I’m just standing here making a fool of meself._   Anger simmered deep and hot.

“Still. Your decision.”

They were silent all the way back to the station and it was not comfortable. Robbie’s feelings were hurt.  He thought James would be happy that he’d decided to stay.  It couldn’t be plainer that he was telling him to go. 

“I’m sorry if I overstepped the mark.” James said in his overly prim, fake-humble voice. God, Robbie had heard it enough times.  It could be interpreted as, I am not sorry I said it, but I will say the words required by decorum. 

“I’ll come with you.” _If you go, I go._

He turned at the offered accompaniment and delivered a deadly blow himself, “I’m fine on me own.”

He saw it land on James’ face and he felt a bit shit for it, but he was only dishing what he’d been given.

When the knots began to untangle, they were again in step for the work. They both got to the solution on separate paths. They got their man.

Afterwards, James drove him to the shop that specialized in quirky baby wear and lead him in. He pointed out several things then handed him a Onesie with a dodo bird on it that seemed to say all there was to say between them.  James drove him back to the morgue with his purchase.

“Don’t be a fool. Being alone is no life.  You, at least, have a choice.” 

He got out of the car and walked around to say something to James, but James sped off and didn’t let him. He stood and watched the car pull into traffic then went and apologized to Laura. 

He dropped back by the office and Joe offered praise and a promise of a place for him if he ever wanted to come back. It meant a lot, but he needed to see James.  Especially if he were leaving in the morning, he couldn’t leave it all in a shambles between them.  Lizzie was there, but James was not.  There was no way of hiding how disappointed he was. 

The Job would be here and that was a great relief, but it meant nothing if Hathaway spent the next six months stewing in anger. It was out of his hands it seemed.  James left early on his last day.  There was a good chance it had naught to do with Robbie.  Probably got another call about his dad.  Wouldn’t want to disturb him.  Nothing he could do about it. 

Laura could be quite the scoundrel when she wanted to be. The kiss for talking him round, the ‘taxi’ ride.  It wasn’t all wrapped up neat and sweet, but the drive to the airport did help.  Lewis had melted and forgiven all as soon as James held up that sign.  It had to be the same one.  It was the beginning and now…oh god…don’t let it be the end. 

Robbie clammed up. He didn’t want to do this.

“You will be missed.” What did they say about passive voice?   I see you, canny lad.  What have you done by talking me round? 

“Better be.”

Robbie had the window seat, but he traded with Laura. He had barely held it together walking away.  He was afraid to turn back.  If he saw Hathaway’s face begging him to not go, he would have faltered.  He was being a ninny.  Hathaway was not a child and he would do fine.  There was one old man on a flight that would take donkey years, who was not quite so fine. 

Laura held his arm and he patted her hand.

The air was stale and he had a headache within ten minutes of takeoff.

“He’s going to be fine, Robbie.”

He looked at her in surprise. “That obvious?  Course he is.  We just had…well some words…you know how he is.” 

Laura looked at him skeptically.

“And how I am,” he added with a wink.

From the airport it was still a long drive. Robbie, exhausted and bored with the baby chatter, fell asleep.  They got to her cousins house which was also her niece’s house and he lugged the baggage to the room designated as theirs.  There was just enough time for showers and a change of clothes when more relatives and friends began arriving. 

Robbie was not sleepy, but his ears and sinuses were bothering him and socializing with thirty total strangers was not his idea of a relaxing evening. The plane ride had done for his ears as properly as the bomb had just days ago.

  It wasn’t long before he was sneaking out to the back garden to escape the close quarters.  He found a garden swing and relaxed and tried to breathe the fresh air.  He thought of a party of Laura’s he and James had attended, and how they had spent most of their time hiding whilst plotting escape. 

He sent James a text telling him they had arrived safely. He got no reply. 

Two people came out to smoke and have a chin wag. He could hear them.

“Not what I expected at all. Bit doddering.  No idea what she sees in an old man like that.” 

“Now. They just got here.  Give em a chance.”

“Yeah. Spose.  Duddn’t seem as brilliant as all that,  but guess …” there was more but he couldn’t understand it.  Then there was some giggling that sounded slightly raunchy. 

Robbie stood and made his presence known with a clearing of his throat. “Evening.  Lovely night.”

They gawked at him with clear chagrin.

“Don’t mind me. Just carry on with your…conversation.  And the answer is yes.  Geordies are particularly amazing shags.  Makes up for our lack of youth and brains.” Robbie grinned his most befuddled old copper smile at them and went back inside.

Laura was laughing and delighting in the company. She saw him sneaking through the dining area and called him to come and sit with her.  He tried not to physically manifest his dislike of that option.  He suffered through the next several hours trying to be the charming fellow Laura had promised to bring.

It was nearly dawn by the time the gathering broke up and Robbie finally gave up on the stragglers and announced that he was off to Bedfordshire. He let Laura explain where her boyfriend was going. 

The tea he was served for brekkie was Godawful and he ended up settling for coffee. Laura’s cousin, Maxwell, glared at him and Robbie ignored him.  His wife was chattering non-stop about the plans for the next few days. 

Robbie felt jet lagged and bored already. He texted James, but got no reply again.  It was probably the time shift.  He didn’t quite have that worked out in his head yet.  He took a cup of coffee in to Laura, had time to check his email for a note from James and began to worry.

 He knew James had the next few days off and would probably spend most of it with his sister, but he was a little concerned that he’d heard nothing.  They were pretty regular with their daily communications.  Mostly just taking the piss whilst in the same room.  Robbie carefully typed a short email, just in case there was some reason his texts were disappearing into some international phone black hole. 

Laura woke with a kiss and grinned at him.

They spent the next few days puttering around in hyper-drive and took a few nice drives, ate out with varying groups and it was six days before he heard a word from James. He was sorry, just been really busy and they should skype soon.  Robbie was shaking with relief and for the first time since he’d arrived, he was as enthusiastic about the new landscape as Laura.

She started work and he found himself to be a bit restless. It seemed there was either too much to do or absolutely nothing to do whatsoever.  She would come home at night and bubble about all the exciting people she’d met and he’d tell her about the plots to the weird Australian shows popular in this part of the world. 

After two weeks he was ready to climb the walls. He made an early night of it one evening, his back giving him hell due to the soft marshmallow bed they were sleeping on when his situation became somewhat clearer to him thanks to a vent that carried sound from the kitchen. 

Max had a deep voice and it carried even when he spoke softly.

“…just nothing like someone who I’d see you with, that’s all.”

Judith, Laura’s pregnant niece, took up for him. “Stop it Max. You have got no right to say a word.  I remember some of the stars you brought round before you met Pauline.”

“Okay? And you never failed to say all sorts of harsh truths.  You should have listened to me as well and you know it.“

“They were plastic-boobed rubbish. You may be a matchmaker for others, but you’re pants at it for family. Leave the man alone.”

 “You want my frank opinion?” Max fired back.

“No!” Three voices said at once.

 Max pressed on, undaunted , “He’s too old, too boring, snores like a buzz saw, texts and checks his phone like a teenager, never has anything to add to the conversation and sometimes …well he’s a bit batty, don’t you think?”

Pauline giggled and piped in,  “He was in the garage the other day staring at our old canoe.  Said we ought to take it out, then noticed the massive holes and wanted to fix them.  It is a hundred years old?  It has been used as our summer Ice box for parties for the last ten years.   It isn’t even a canoe any more.  The holes are for drainage.”

Everybody did giggle at that.

“He can be a little mopey and stern, Aunt Laura. But maybe he just hasn’t settled in yet?” Judith said.

Laura’s voice was not loud enough to discern individual words, but the tone was obviously furious.

“Not my place to tell you who to love, of course not. You are welcome.  Of course you are…but Laura?  Seriously?  What are you thinking?” Max argued.

More grumbling and someone shushing everyone.

The voices were garbled for a few moments then Max could be heard again. “Yes, he is perfectly nice, but that isn’t worth how long you have waited for him to make up his damn mind.  He only decided to come at the last second.  What was that about? “

“He is here and you have no idea what he gave up to be here. He is an amazing detective and a very dear, incredibly kind man.  You have barely even given him a chance!” Laura accused.

“Well, love, he may be all that in Oxford. Don’t know.  But from what you have said for the last twenty years the picking must be pretty bloody slim if he’s the prize.  And just so you know – I can see that you are very much in love with him but the absolute best I have seen him return is fond.  I see convenience and no better options.  You mark my word, he is in love with someone else.  Be that his long dead wife or whoever it is he texts ten-thousand times a day back in Oxford, “ Max said flatly.

“How dare you!” Laura growled.

“Of course I dare. You are family.  And we will be there for you when that drafty old coot hurts you…AGAIN.”

A few minutes passed and Laura came to bed. Robbie pretended to wake up when she crawled next to him.  He held her for a while and tried not to notice she was leaking.  When it became obvious he kissed her tears away and spent the next three hours coaxing explicitly delicious sounds out of her for the benefit of the audience on the other end of the vent.  He did have his pride, after all. 

The next day was quietly tense. Evidently, his attentions to Laura made a point that she herself had been unable to score with logic.  He did not strut about, but he was far more chipper than normal and chattered to Max as if they were pals. 

This little game continued until Max hated him with passion. Laura was sweetly rumpled on a regular basis, and it was Robbie’s best way of alleviating his boredom.  He had promised to make it up to her and he treated them all to some of his voyage of discovery meals whenever they got too far out of line.

He put on the boyfriend show, with gifts and love notes in her lunch he packed her, flowers and candy as if every day were special. At first Laura basked in his affection but somewhere around the fourth week of Project Casanova, she got suspicious.

“Robbie? What are you doing?  This isn’t you?” She asked directly.

“Making it up to you, me. That’s all,” Robbie said slightly offended.  It may have been to annoy Max but it certainly didn’t make it any less genuine.

“Well stop it. I mean, just pull it back a notch?  I know you love me and I don’t need this kind of display.  You are making Max look like a heel and Pauline is all over him.” She snickered. 

“Max is a heel and several words I prefer not to share. He absolutely hates me, you know.”

Laura nodded. “It’s just the alpha male bit.  Sorry.  Is it too uncomfortable?” 

“Oh, No worries. Big boy, me.” Robbie kissed her. 

“Do try to get on with him? For me?”

“Right. Standing down, ma’am.”  He snickered at her expression.

Max made it his mission in life to tempt Laura away from Robbie. There were dinner parties that featured Max’s friends from work who seemed to have no other goal but to impress Laura.  She shut most of them down with her morgue humor or her cheek.

One of these parties set in motion a torturous plan of action. Max and Buffoon-of-the-evening (Hal Warner) began extoling the marvels of hiking in their land of wonders.

“We’d love to go. Wouldn’t we, Robbie?”

“Not much of a trekker, me,” Robbie replied without enthusiasm peeking up from his phone.

The guest laughed, “Of Course not. I mean…you know, at your age…” He’d trailed off significantly. 

Robbie glared at him. “You think I am too old to go on a bit of a walk?  No, see my problem is that when I have to jump over fences, run upstairs and lumber through rivers, there is generally a reason for it.  The reason is frequently a murderer with a weapon who would be as happy to kill me as he would let me put handcuffs on him and arrest him. Hard to see the point without a life or death tussle at the end of it.  That, for me, is a bit of a walk and I do it in a suit.”

“Yes. Robbie is quite the superman…according to Laura.  Of course he will go with us.” Max said with a smarmy grin.  “Our problem will be keeping up with him, no doubt.”

 From that point on, every weekend was spent traipsing up one big hill to the big mountain and a picnic with truly breathtaking views then the drudgery of traipsing back down the mountain.

It was impossible for him to drag his feet or slow them all down in any way and he had blisters in unmentionable places from one of these forays. It was made quite plain that if he was too old to tag along with the kiddies, he could find some less challenging activities. He forced himself to make it known that he was not yet dead.  

Robbie didn’t mind the first couple of adventures, but when it became every weekend, he felt it was rather rude to poor Judith to leave her alone every weekend in her condition.   He didn’t dare admit that if he never saw another trail marker in his life he would have done a silly dance in pure relief. 

Pauline whispered to him, in confidence, that she hated hiking too and would rather be preggers like Judith than be stuck humping it out every weekend.

Hal Warner was two inches taller than Robbie and twenty years younger. He was the leader and main instigator of the hiking trips, though the group varied every week, he was a constant.

Hal flirted with Laura. They got on quite well and could often be found telling horrible jokes others would find tasteless and disgusting.  Robbie and Laura had argued over his intentions.  She felt Hal was just friendly.

The best part of these weekends was the hotel bed, so Robbie’s back could have a break from the marshmallow. But Hal and Laura, overindulging in the hotel pub, had a rather odd effect on Robbie.  There was jealousy.  It hurt his feelings to be ignored for the most part, but the worst part was how he wished that James were here.  He missed home.

James and he had only skyped twice. The time skip and James’ schedule simply didn’t make it easy and texting had become their main mode of communication.  He was on a case right now that was making the news.  There were six people dead and the papers were calling him Oxford Jack, after Jack the Ripper.  Three women and three men, were dead so far.  All had worked in the dark underbelly of Oxford’s red light industry. 

The rent boys had been slashed across the throat first and whilst bleeding out, they had been mercilessly cut to ribbons. The women, two exotic dancers and a prostitute had been strangled then cut until they were unrecognizable.   

James was the lead investigator and Robbie had searched the internet and found every interview he’d given. The press-conference footage worried Robbie.  James had lost weight.  He looked red eyed and exhausted.  Robbie had shown the footage to Laura and she had agreed that he looked a bit tired. 

“Must be the case. Throats slashed?  It must be awful for him.  Oxford Jack – it has gone international.  The world is watching your James.”  She hugged him and kissed his forehead. “Sorry you’re missing out on all the fun.”  Later at the bar, he saw her showing the others and telling them that her Robbie had trained him up. 

“He didn’t want promotion. Loved working with Robbie.  Loved Robbie more than you can imagine.  These two, survived a bomb, three days before we got on the plane and were snickering and making jokes about it while I was waiting at the nick scared out of my mind.”  She showed them the footage of him and James getting their mugs on the news during Peterson’s operation. 

Robbie, embarrassed, stayed quiet unless asked a direct question. He did notice that Max looked at him with a bit less hatred, but he seemed to be chewing a bone in his mind.  Robbie didn’t know what he would be up to next, but Robbie was getting tired of this whole dog and pony show.

If they didn’t like him, so be it. He wanted to be home.  James and he saved lives when they work together.  As a team, James, Robbie and Lizzie were the best at wading through the possibilities to get to the reality. 

Robbie got a text just then. [God, I wish you were here.  Joe wrangling position available.]

He sent back. _[Just say the word. Kiwis rank below murderers in entertainment value_.]

[Yes. Please. Lizzie misses you. She has threatened my life. ]

[Repeatedly. If I am found drowned in a coffee cup, check her alibi closely]

 _[You look shit, James. Please eat and sleep._ ]

[Is it a conspiracy? I am fine.  But thanks for the opinion. I was nervous but the international flattery has restored my confidence. Ta, Sir!]

[ _Laura is showing footage to everyone at the bar. She’s bragging that she kissed you.  She could probably cut back on the Dunks. Martini with cherry instead of olive._ ]

[She says you are bored?]

[ _You have spoken to her?]_

[Of course. She is prettier than you.]

[Don’t worry. She prefers her coppers in tasteless shirts.  I haven’t a chance.]

[ _How is the case going?]_

[Thinking of purchasing leather trousers and eyeliner. May have to. Leads are drying up.  Can’t figure out what to charge for services? Any advice?]

[ _Don’t you dare. Knowing you, you’d undercut the competitors and discover a whole new career_.]

[If I don’t catch this guy soon, it may be a career move option. Be able to keep up the Jag payments if I get sacked _._ ]

[ _I have a little savings. Step away from the eyeliner.  Can’t have a clever-clogs like you on the stroll_.]

[They are not scum, Robert. Second victim was on scholarship to Christ Church.  His activities were to tide him over, not support a drugs habit.]

[ Had more going for him than I ever did. He was alive when he was slashed. 273 separate wounds.  Vocal cords severed.  All I can see is him trying to scream as he died in torture.  I need to find this guy.] 

[ _Trust yourself. Don’t get bogged in the pressure. Pretend it is a cold case and look at it as if you are reviewing someone else’s work.  Don’t think in a line.  What is different about the males and the females?_ ]

[The women are killed before they are slashed.]

[ _Why? The men are tortured as they die.  Why is that important?_ ]

There was no reply. Laura was at the bar and Hal had followed her.

 

 

Robbie looked up from his phone just as Hal got fresh with Laura. Laura slapped him. He slapped Laura back. Robbie crawled over the table to chin him and the battle was on.  Buff Hiker, twenty years Robbie’s junior, underestimated an old man who had spent his life chasing men  tougher and meaner than he was.  He soon found himself face down on the dirty bar floor screaming for someone to get this nutter off him.

Robbie calmly demanded that he apologize to Laura.

When he finally let Hal up, the police were involved. No charges were filed but a belligerent Hal threatened to have Robbie arrested.  It was a terrible night and Robbie apologized for over-reacting, but nobody hits a woman around him.

 The police took an instant liking to him and when they found out Oxford Jack was being investigated by his former sergeant, Hal really picked the wrong guys to try to convince that Robbie had done anything unjustified.   

Laura gave Robbie what-for over the whole matter, stating that she is not a damsel in distress and was perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

Robbie gave her an indulgent half-smile and crawled in bed, sore and aching. Laura rubbed his back and chastised him for acting like a jealous teenager. 

He was awakened by his phone at half six. He had a text from James.  

[You are the brains. Still.  Oxford Jack was actually Oxford Jill.  We got her.  Staring us in the face the whole time. Thanks, Robert.]

[ _Glad I could help_.]

[How was your night? Anything interesting happen?]

[ _Not really. No_. _Toured 3 wineries_.]

[Got a strange call from a Senior Constable Farland, out of Gisborne. Something about a bar brawl?]

Robbie sighed; of course they checked his credentials. [Oh.  That.  Well, you asked about interesting.  Man slapped Laura. Man gets put on floor. Police arrive. I named dropped the famous Hathaway of Oxford. Said I knew him back when.  They bought me a beer. ]

[ _Hope me telling them you were wanted and dangerous didn’t get you strip searched?_ ]

[Too late. Getting on a plane back to Wellington. Next time maybe we will go for the full biscuit.]

[ _Indeed. Sincerely, thank you. Look for me on the telly. God, I hate these things.  You are missed_.]

Laura sighed and eyed him sleepily. “You and James may be half way around the world from each other but you are still joined at the hip,” she said with a yawn.

Robbie chuckled. “Solved his case. Oxford Jack was Oxford Jill.  They got her.” He said with obvious pride.

Laura sat up and grinned. “That’s wonderful news.  Good for him.”

Robbie nodded. “Good thing we fly out this morning.  He told Gisborne constabulary I needed strip searching.  Interested?”

She laughed. “He didn’t really. I might be.”

Robbie gave her a shrug and cashed in on his offer.

 

Hal didn’t fly back with them. He took another flight.  The next day Hiker-Hal was forgotten because Judith had the baby and there was joy and laughter all around. 

It had been a busy two weeks of baby nirvana. Robbie popped over to see Mark.  It was a happy but uncomfortable visit.  When he got back to New Zealand he settled back in, and Max had another dinner party.  This guy’s name was Rex and he reminded Robbie of a catfish. Laura rolled her eyes and told him to stop worrying.

The dinner was winding down when his phone rang. It was not James, but Lizzie.

He didn’t say hello or greet her. “Just tell me what happened and is he alive?” Robbie said darting from the table. 


	2. Oh Babe I hate to go...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is why Things fall apart and fall into place as well.

\--------------

Lizzie’s voice shook as she rattled off the damage in her police shorthand fashion. “Alive. 43 stitches. Suspect had a knife. Two Lacerations to right forearm, defensive. One to right side extending to center of chest.  Transported by ambulance to John Radcliffe, being kept overnight.  Blood loss –  possible nerve damage to his arm…don’t know yet. Sir.”

Robbie was silent and took a deep breath. “Where was his back-up?”

“ We were there, sir. We didn’t even know he was injured until he collapsed. It was still dark, he was wearing black.  I don’t think he noticed.  Nearly bled out on us.  Never been so scared in my life.  Perps name was Ralston Baker.  High on Drone.  Killed his girlfriend. He’s lucky the guy didn’t stab him.  He was trying when I got there and put my foot in his neck.  Collins kicked the knife away and cuffed him.  We just thought  James was a bit raw from the tackle.  Banged an elbow or something. Waved us off. Said he was fine. After the ‘small bomb’ we just …didn’t think to check him over.”

Laura had followed him into the hallway looking worried. “He’s alive.  I will tell you later.” Robbie said to her.  She nodded and turned to go.  Robbie sat down hard on a repurposed pew they had in the hallway, elbows on knees, head hanging down.  His vision was spotty as if he were about to pass out. 

“Okay, sergeant. Start at the beginning.” He said softly.

Lizzie gave him a minute by minute report. She hedged over the fact that Hathaway had plunged on when he should have waited and Robbie laser-focused on the point at once. “What was he thinking?  He knows better.”

“Oh, Sir. Don’t do that.  You know I can’t.”

“Alright. Alright. Just tell me.  I saw him on the telly.  He’s not okay, is he?  Tell me as a friend and not his sergeant.” 

“Shit. Robbie.  You didn’t hear this from me.  He is off the bloody rails.  You know before you left when I was complaining about the hangover and he said, too long between and I should keep drinking?  I think…well…it isn’t my place to say.  But … I mean…Oxford Jill and his dad and his sister is calling every three minutes…I don’t know what to do.  He’s…I wish you were here.  You know how to keep him…level or something.”  She sounded like hell herself.  “He almost died. And you know what? Day after tomorrow he will be here and God…does he have a bloody death wish?  I don’t know. “

“Watch him. Watch his back.  It is all you can do.  If…if you think it is…do I need to come back?” Robbie asked quietly.  “I will.  To hell with this.”

“God. No sir. He’d kill me if he knew I told you this.  Last thing he said to me before they closed the doors was ‘don’t tell Robert’.   You can’t let him know I called you.  Please. Sir.” She began to panic.

“No it’s fine I will wait for him to tell me.  I appreciate you letting me know.  You stay safe too, love.”

“Yes, sir. Everyone misses you.  I miss you.  He won’t tell you, but he’s missing you like…well…I don’t know like what.” Lizzie said sweetly and sincerely. 

It made Robbie smile. “The feeling is mutual, Lizzie. Counting the days.”

Robbie sat in stunned silence. He could not go back in there and smile and chat.  His worst fear had nearly happened.  He felt so far away and knowing he’d nearly lost James made him sick as all the gore in the world never did.  He slowly rose up and went to his room, flopping on the marshmallow bed and staring at the ceiling, his phone in his hand, waiting for James to call him.

His mind played it out. What if she’d said ‘I’m sorry, sir, he didn’t make it.’ And here he would be, unable to change that. 

Laura came in almost an hour later. “You okay?”

“Not really. He…nearly bled out on them.  Didn’t say a word.  Just…collapsed.  I shouldn’t be here.  I should have ..been…there.” Robbie fought the tears and nearly kept them in check. At least he didn’t break down completely. 

“Is he going to be alright?”

“Think so. This time,” He said with a deep breath.

She rubbed his chest to soothe him. “Not much fun from this end, is it?”

“Not helping.”

Robbie didn’t hear a word from James for a week. He sent several texts, but got no reply.  He got angrier every day.  Finally he called Lizzie for an updated.  James had gone back to work the day after he was out of the hospital just as she predicted.  He was doing fine as far as she could tell.  She took him dinner over a few times. “ Picked up his flat.  Put the bottles in the recycling bin.  He was cross and aloof about it.”

Finally he heard from James, just a text, as if nothing had occurred.  

[Dr. Cook is back. God hates me.  Moody hates me.  My sergeant hates me.  I hate me. How’s your day?]

[ _I am wearing baby sick in three places. Have a headache and there are seventy people in the back garden.  There is a maimed canoe full of beer and a pig on a spit._ ]

[ _There probably is no police officer joke I have not heard in reference to the roast Suidae diner_.]

[ _They named him. Take a guess?_ ]

[Wilbur?]

 _[Wrong. Detective Inspector Lewis needs basting. They hand me alcohol when they say it. Up a height and mortal, me._ ]

[Charming. Having fun yet?]

[ _Thinking of getting in the holey canoe and rowing home._ ]

[The sharks would appreciate your plan, certainly.]

[ _Don’t care. How are you?_ ]

[Fine.]

James still had not told him about the incident. If it weren’t for Lizzie, he would not have known.  Laura was a bit tipsy by the time the party was over.  There were still people gathered around the bonfire, but it was late and she was tired.  Robbie had taken a plate to his room and spent the evening reading.  The jokes about him being a cannibal for eating the roast pork, put him off the whole thing.

“Which is it tonight? Texting James or brooding about him?” Laura asked with annoyance.

“I was a pretty good sport for the first six hours. The cannibal jokes were putting me off me feed.  Thought it best, considering how many times I had been ‘basted’, that I not be tempted to make another scene.  You seem to be getting on with good ole Rex. “ Robbie tilted his head and smiled patiently. 

“Nope. You don’t get to abandon me.  Act like an old curmudgeon and then critique who I speak with.” Laura said shaking her finger back and forth. 

“Fine. Then I can skive off when I have had enough of the lot of them,” Robbie said less than amused.

“You are brooding. You’d think he died. He didn’t.”

He didn’t want to argue. “Just worried. He hasn’t even called me to tell me.”

Laura gave a little knowing laugh. “What do you expect?”

“I expect him to call me when he’s just been knifed by a smackhead. That too much to ask?” Robbie closed his book and dumped it on the table.

“I would say so, considering.” She crawled onto the bed and kicked off her shoes, wiggling her toes with appreciation.

“What do you mean by that?”

She looked over at him with pity. “Oh, Robbie.  You know what I mean.  What do you expect of him after you broke his heart?”

Robbie’s face crumples into pure fury and confusion. “Have you taken leave of your senses? Laura…”

“Just don’t. Stop pretending.  You know he has been in love with you for ages.  Poor sod. “

Robbie’s eyes widened and his mouth opened but no sound came out.

“Please. You can’t be that blind.  The question for me was always whether or not the feelings were actually returned?  The last two weeks have been a very telling answer.  Actually this whole trip has been relatively enlightening.  How long have you been in love with James?  Because you certainly are not IN love with me.” Laura said all of this with her arm thrown over her face.

“I think you have had too much to drink, Doctor.”

Laura giggled. “Yes. I think I needed it to voice something that’s been nagging at me for a long time.  Tomorrow I will wish I hadn’t said it, but tonight I just want you to tell me the truth.  All those years of sleepovers.  All those longing looks and pints down the pub and saving each other over and over.  Finishing each other’s sentences.  I always felt like the gooseberry.  And now, half way around the world, it is even clearer.  James gets hurt and you can’t be arsed to even talk to people or have a second’s fun for worry.  Max is right.  Your heart is elsewhere.  You didn’t even want to come.” 

Robbie stood and glared. “I’m here aren’t I?”

She smiled as if the joke was on her. “Are you?”

“We are just friends. It isn’t like that.  It never was.”

She rolled to her side and propped her head on her elbow, studying him. Her chin lifted slightly as her resolve stiffened. “Like you and Morse were just friends?”

“Be very careful, me lass. You are about to say something I will never forgive you for,” Robbie rumbled in instant fury.

“It won’t make it any less true. I am not even talking about the rumors.  I am talking about what I saw with my own eyes.” Laura smiled kindly at his shock. “No worries, Robbie.  I have kept your secret all these years.  Is it such a shameful thing that you can’t even acknowledge it to me?  After all this time?  It doesn’t matter any longer.”

“Of course it mattered. I was married. What is it you think you saw and why didn’t you say anything?”

Laura took a deep breath and sat up, crossing her legs and leaning on one knee with her elbow. “It was Christmas eve, four or five years before he died.  I assumed he would be alone.  Stopped by his house with a bottle of his favorite.  Just wanted to check on him.  He’d seemed a bit down.  Not depressed, just a bit off.  I saw your car.  I started to ring but the light was spilling into the yard and I could hear the music.  I peeped into that big picture window of his.  It was snowing and the furniture was pushed back and the two of you were dancing. A waltz I think it was.”

Robbie knew exactly the night she spoke of and the thought of it alone made silent tears spill from his eyes. It seemed like yesterday and Morse had been so pleased and lighthearted.  Robbie told Val they were working, and she had all the wrapping done, the kids in bed and had waited up for him.  She never questioned him.

 “ I thought it was hilarious at first, but the way he looked at you.  Well, it brought tears to my eyes.  You were the awkward sod who doted on his family back then and he was such a ladies man, I would have never guessed.  Never.  I stood there too long, practically mesmerized.  Then you kissed.  It wasn’t repulsive or ugly like I would have thought it would be in those days. I was naive but not a heartless homophobe.  It was delicious.  You were both, just lovely. I left and returned Christmas day, brought him his gift and a tin of biscuits.  He was on his way to yours for dinner.  A pile of gifts by the door.  Had one for me too.  Kind old heart.  I could never quite stop seeing it from then on.“

“There were whispers.” Robbie croaked, his voice mostly crackling air. “We were so careful.” His eyes were closed and his face was turned to the right as if to hide his tears.

“ I never said a word. Not to anyone.  I suppose that was why I was so cautious with you when he died.  Because I figured I was the only one who knew.  At least for certain.”

“Why would you protect us? Two adulterous bastards up to buggery?” Robbie squinted his eyes and shook his head slightly, humiliated.

“ I had never seen him look so happy.   I couldn’t take that from him.  Make it something disgraceful.  It would have broken him.  That is one of the burdens you carry isn’t it?  Not just Val.  You and he didn’t part well.  Then he died.  Then she did and you thought it was your blame.  Your bloody honor.  And yet you don’t see how it isn’t James and Morse that are alike.  Not inside.  It is James and you.  I always wondered.  Why can’t you love him back?  Am I just the easy path?  Did you just pick the expected thing, because if you did…it seems to be eating your soul.”

“I picked you. Isn’t that enough? I’m here.”

“No. I am not sure it is.”

“You are drunk and you are seeing things that are not there. James is the one who …told me I was a fool not to come with.  Told me I needed to show you I care.  He doesn’t…I didn’t break his heart.  We are nothing but mates and that’s all we have ever been.  It’s not like me and Morse.  Never was,” Robbie said firmly.  

“Oh Robbie. He accepted us to some degree.  He loves us both dearly.  What happened when you retired?  When you left?  He disappeared for God’s sake.  You nearly lost your mind.  He quit his job.  Left the county.  Came back, sat his exams.  Avoided us like the plague.  What did you think that was about?” Laura shrugged and tears ran down her cheeks.

Robbie shook his head in denial, “Go to bed. You are confused.  You don’t know what you are saying.”

“You are perfectly blind for a detective. Our James never came home.  He doesn’t play anymore. When was the last time you saw his guitar?  He works. Wears black every day. Ran off his first Sergeant in a fortnight.  Became a hard drinking workaholic.  Twisted Moody up at every turn.  The only time there is a glimpse of James is when he’s with you.  He bought a Jaguar.  Is he channeling Morse?  How can you not see?”   

Robbie slipped into his shoes and stuffed his wallet in his pocket.

“Where are you going?”

“Walk. I will talk to you in the morning.”

“Robbie…”

“No. This conversation is over.  Do you hear me? If I stay I am going to say things I will regret and I am too sober for that to happen.  I have had enough of regrets in my life.  You are very close to becoming one more.”  Robbie took his phone off the charger and slammed the front door without a word to those people watching silently from the kitchen.  

He walked all night. Laura and the others were off on some errands.  Max was alone on clean up duty.

Robbie grabbed a bin bag and began helping. They worked in silence until all that was left was the last of the dishes and the canoe to empty and wedge back into its rack in the garage.  Max offered him a cool beer from the left overs in the canoe.  Robbie popped the tab and gulped half of his down.

“I know you think I am your enemy. I have made no secret that I don’t like you much.”

Robbie shrugged. “Feeling’s mutual.  No hard feelings.”

“The thing is, I know I am right. You do care about her and I have honestly started to see what she sees in you.  You have earned my grudging respect several times over.  But I still hate you because you are playing with my cousin’s heart.  She deserves better.”

“Don’t know that it is any of your business,” Robbie stated.

“MMMmmmm. You don’t remember me.  We have met before.  Several times.  You wouldn’t remember.  I had more hair then.” He laughed at himself.  “More on top and less on my face.”

Robbie studied him and shook his head, “Sorry. I don’t remember.”

Max nodded and gestured with his can. “ I met you at parties mostly, that is why you didn’t remember.  We were not formally introduced.  One Christmas party she attended and dragged me along.  The joy of a room full of cops and pathologists. Thank god for booze.  You were a newly minted DI.  Then there was a birthday party with a bunch of her insane classmates.  I met your James then.  I would have called the two of you a couple if it hadn’t been for the fact I had heard all about you from her.”

“Well you’d be wrong.”

“I was there when she was kidnapped too. You lost faith in her.  You saved her too, but …”

“It was procedure. She understood,” Robbie justified.

“In her head she did. Her heart didn’t.  She forgave you.  I didn’t. “

“Do you have a point?” Robbie challenged.

“Alright, gloves off. I know for a fact that you are bisexual.” Max said directly.

Robbie snorted and tossed his beer away as he stormed off.

“I Know because I am too and it is a horrible place to be so long as you pretend it isn’t true. I nearly committed suicide.  I would have, if I hadn’t met Pauline.  Robbie, You love Laura.  I know you do.  I know it.  But she isn’t your Pauline. “ Max let this pour out hurriedly before he lost his audience. 

Robbie stopped and slowly turned. “You think Laura is too young for me.  James is ten years younger than Laura.  What could I ever offer him?  All your other rubbish aside.  Me own daughter is the same age.  Don’t be an arse on top of an idiot.”

“You’re the one wasting time. Two years after I met Pauline, she had cancer.  She survived, but we didn’t know she would.  It didn’t matter.  A week.  Three years. Ten?  However long I get to keep her.  Its enough.  I get to know, every day of the rest of my life that there was one person in the world who loved me exactly as I am and that I loved her that way too.  Laura loves you.  She always will.  But Franco would have been the love of her life if she hadn’t been stuck in default ‘Pine for Inspector Lewis’ land.  If you really love her, you will forget about James. I don’t think you can do that.  But you have proved me wrong once or twice.  Or, if you love her more than yourself, you will let her love someone else and you will go be with the man you love more than life and you will take however many seconds you get and you will make no demands of what it is.”

“You have a lot of opinions, lad.” Robbie said with cool anger.

“Are you sure you will be faithful to Laura if you make her your wife? Your James was going to be a priest.  If you treat him like a shameful secret, like you did Morse.  How long do you think he will be able to live with it?  Catholic.  Suicide creeps up on you.  It has many facets. I think he’d happily go to hell for you.   The question you have to answer is would you let him?”

Robbie was frozen with horror. “You are just about one word away from—“

“That vent works both ways, Robbie Lewis. You might beat a guy up to protect my cousin.  Good call that.  Twas a thing of beauty, it was.  But you are a deadly bastard under all this civility and you won’t attack a man for telling the truth.  You don’t have it in you to be a hypocrite. “

Robbie glared at him but the girls trudged back in the house chatting and giggling stopping his next words. The girls were silenced, reading the body language between the two men. 

Robbie turned and sighed. He strolled back into the house from the deck and cast one warning glance back at Max, who held his gaze with fearless calm. 

Laura followed him into the bedroom. Robbie undressed and got in the shower.  Laura followed him in.

“Not right now, Laura. Please.”

“I am sorry about last night. They all heard us.  I am so sorry.”

“Me too, bonny lass. Me too.”

“I am sorry, but there were things said that needed to be. “

Robbie waited several minutes. “Maybe.  I can stay in a hotel.  If it would be easier.”

“Don’t be silly. You are going back aren’t you?”

“I think I am.” Robbie admitted, pulling the shower curtain back to see her reaction.

“I am not angry. I think Max has made his point.  I am not the settling down kind.” Laura said sheepishly but teary.

“Yes you are. That wasn’t his point.  His point was that I don’t deserve you and you have other options.” Robbie disagreed kindly. 

“Not sure I want them. “

“Just so you know, I never … I was in love with her. Morse…I can’t explain that.  No excuse for it.  I was ashamed.  Still am.  Always will be.  Wasn’t ashamed of him.  I was ashamed of me. She deserved better. He did too.”

“Oh Robbie, you idiot. Val and Morse had the best.  So did I for a while. I know because I loved lots of people and none of them ever lived up to you.”

Robbie blushed and shook his head. “But the problem is, I didn’t live up to the me in your head.”

She laughed but there were tears mixed in. “Nobody could.”

“I am so tired, Laura. I hope to god you are all right about this.  I don’t know what he could want wi’ the likes of me.”

“You don’t see what we do. You have to tell him.  He will never believe it if you don’t come right out and say all the things he needs to hear.” 

“Funny. It’s just, that’s exactly what he told me to say to you.”

Things calmed down as he made plans to go back to Oxford. It was honestly the best week of the trip.  Max and he finally settled and quit playing mind games.  He was planning on staying one more week when a call from James sent him into overdrive.  His father had passed and James sounded almost vacant.

It was terrified quick goodbyes as he tried to make a flight in three hours with a two hour drive. They decided that he would have to make due with a rucksack because checking baggage and packing it to airline standards was not an option.

Laura cried and so did he. “Go. Be In love with your brilliant dishy boy.  He needs you. Sorry.  I told you I am not so good with the airport farewells.”

“I will always…” His voice cracked and he couldn’t force the words.

She laughed and hugged him. “Me too.   Don’t miss your bloody plane having a cry.”

A week and a half later, he was three hours into the flight with twenty more to go. It was the longest flight of his life and he was not completely sure the world existed.  He’d slept and awoke sixty times and it felt like a two month space voyage rather than a simple trip from New Zealand to Heathrow.  

James looked five times worse in person and Robbie couldn’t help but say, “Are you for me?”

He took James into his arms and the lad, just melted for a while. He had never seen him so broken and he held on until James made a Yorkie bar joke.

The ride back from London was the normal traffic nightmare. James was quiet but calm.  He didn’t show any signs of his injury.  Robbie told him funny stories about his travels. 

“I can’t believe you are here. You never even met my dad,” James interjected almost to himself.

“I met him. Remember the fishing?  And we had dinner one night,” Robbie reminded.

“That wasn’t my dad. That was the shell of him.  He had moments.  They were always a bit unexpected.  Just a glimmer.  Still, I do appreciate you coming.  I can’t believe you came.  Nobody has ever ..you know.  Just to… for me.”

“How could I not. You have been there for me every time I stubbed me toe.”

James smiled and snorted air through his nose. “You were my Guvnor, Sir.” He said the sir just for nostalgia.

“You have been me friend, Sir yourself.”

“Never doubt, it was my honour.” James said softly.

Robbie studied James, his face golden in the rising sun. “Pull in up here.  I need the gent’s and you are gasping for a fag.”

James smirked, pleased that Robbie knew him so well. Robbie bought tea and digestives.  They leaned on the boot and had their refreshment. 

“So your palate has been tortured by toenail flavored beverages to the point that this is an improvement to you?” James teased.

“This is bloody heaven. Course, the company helps,” Robbie replied.

James smirked and shrugged. “Naturally.”

Robbie texted Laura that he’d landed and been collected by the skinny dish.

The flat was presentable. James had tidied.  Robbie found the evidence in his recycling bin, overflowing with bottles.  James offered his bedroom.  Robbie flopped down on the mattress and groaned in pleasure.

James leaned on the door frame and grinned. “Orthopedic.  Beats the marshmallow, aye?”

“If I make whimpering noises, will you laugh at me?” Robbie patted the mattress in invitation.

James sat down, cross legged leaning against the headboard. “I hardly ever sleep in here.  Twice a month, maybe.  I bought that giant sofa and it just sucks me in.”

“You need to rest. You have been running yourself thin.”

“I was in despair of being able to…solve it. They were horrible, Robert.”

“Tell me,” Robbie said. “Let it out.”

James talked for two hours. Robbie fought sleep.  James curled on his side and talked as if he couldn’t stop.  Finally he sighed deeply as if he had found some peace. 

“Bit of a kip? Then we will get on with it.” Robbie said.  When he got no response, he looked over to find James already asleep.  He reached out and gently let his fingers riffle James’ blond hair.  That was all he knew for several perfect hours. 

Robbie woke and looked to his left. James was propped on a folded pillow, remaining perfectly still, but his eyes were open and his expression was soft.  His eyes sparkled with amusement. 

“Did my snoring wake you?”

“I don’t know. I was just taking in that you were here and real.  Are you hungry?”

“I’d take a proper cuppa if you are offering.” Robbie said with a deep sigh and a stretch.

There was so much to do for the next few days. He had to buy a new suit for one thing.  His old things were not going to fit him.  James went with him and steered him toward a tailor.  Robbie balked at such, but the price was not that far above what he would have spent for off-the-peg and it seemed to please James to fuss over him a bit so he acquiesced, with a proper amount of grumbling and pretending he was put out by the attention.

“You have lost weight. You may have hated the hikes, but they did wonders for your waistline.  You look…years younger than when you left.  New Zealand seems to be good for you.”  James told Robbie as he ordered four made-to-measure shirts, a waistcoat and three ties he assured Robbie set off his eyes. 

Robbie patiently put up with the swatches and the measuring. “Wish I could say the same for you, bonny lad.  You need a bit of feeding up, in my opinion.”

It normally took a week for the first fitting, but they were quite adamant that the suit would be done in time for the funeral. Robbie suspected that James had paid for a rush order, but didn’t call him on his hunch. 

He finally met the mysterious Nell. His first impression of her was that she was far less damaged than her brother, but she had the same quiet bearing and brilliant mind.  “The famous DI Lewis, at last.” She greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and a kind James-like smile. 

“I fear infamous would be closer to fact, ma’am.” Robbie gave her a friendly peck back and said seriously, “Deepest condolences.”

They had a late lunch and she asked after his travels. James seemed interested in their surroundings and said little.  Nell glanced at him several times and seemed to agree with Robbie that James was not well.  She whispered to him as they said goodbye that evening.  “Try to get him to rest a little.  He does listen to you, if nobody else, it seems.”

“Only when he’s in the mood. Mostly not, these days.”

“I can hear you two. Stop it.” James said, lighting a cigarette.

They stopped into the nick next. Lizzie greeted him with more enthusiasm than was strictly proper.  She squealed “Sir” and jumped as a child seeing her grandad.  He caught her up and spun her around.  They laughed and she looked him up and down, expressing approval. 

“You look amazing, sir!” She slapped his arm in jest and added, “It was the bar brawls. What were you finking? Mad Geordie troublemakers…wot about chew?”

Robbie shrugged and blushed. “Bloke needed some tips on manners. I was available.”

“Well. There is a sight for sore eyes. DI Lewis. Can I put you on the weekend?” Joe Moody asked with a smile.

“Not just yet—“Robbie began.

“Robert is just here for the funeral, Joe,” James explained.

“But you will still work this weekend, right?” Joe asked, obviously taking the piss.

“You have no idea how good that sounds,” Robbie said seriously.

Joe seemed to remember something. “Oh. That reminds me.  I have some paperwork.  Could I steal you for just a moment?”

Robbie followed him.

The door closed and Joe shook his head with a sigh. “When you coming back?”

Robbie tilted his head. “I am back, sir.  Just, I haven told James yet and so don’t say anything.  Next week too soon?”

“I had no paperwork. I wanted to speak with you.  He’s …I am not complaining.  He’s dedicated. He gets results. Nobody in his league, frankly.   But I can’t keep him out of here.  He is like a bloody vampire.  Do you see what he looks like?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Good. You think it was about his dad?  Is there anything I am doing wrong?  I can’t seem to…you know…get in his head and see what he needs from me.  I have to force him to go home.  He sneaks back soon as I leave.  He thinks he’s a machine.” Joe explained quietly, checking to see they are not overheard.

“ Good cop. Brilliant, in fact. Bit of bad parenting on my part.  I could get a bit…”Robbie tilted his head to end the sentence. “Morse was a bit of a zealot. Kind of a legacy?” 

“Yeah. Had time to do a bit of research since you bunked off. I judged you harsh. Regret that.  I see why Jean speaks so highly of you. After his trip to JR I called her.  She said talk to you? “

“She wasn’t too fond of me at first. Tried to grass me ten years ago.  Can’t blame you for making the same call.” Robbie said with his eyes twinkling. 

“Next week. I will get the papers arranged.  It a surprise?” Joe asked.

“Just the timing. Here for the funeral.  Want him to know that is my priority,” Robbie explained.

“Ahh. Of course. Good to have you back.”

“Thanks, Joe. Don’t worry, I promise I will get him sorted. I always have.”

“I trust you, Robbie. I have tried everything I can think of so I will support you in any way you feel is necessary. Just keep me in the loop. Yeah?”

“Well, I should be getting on with it then.”

 Robbie returned to James’ office.

James narrowed his eyes, “Paperwork?”

“Mmmm. For when I come back.”

“So, you do think you are coming back. Eventually?”

“Hope to. You going to be mad at me again if I do?”

“Would it affect your decision?” James asked.

“Nope.”

“Well then. There is your answer.” James leaned in and batted his eyes, “You miss me. Admit it.”

“I miss the job you knob. You are just the furniture,” Robbie teased.

James sniffed. “An orthopedic mattress with thousand thread count sheet’s perhaps.”

Robbie shook his head. “Just what the doctor ordered.”

They had drinks that evening. James had whipped up some sort of frozen blue margarita in the blender.  Robbie was shocked at the kick the drinks had considering they looked a bit sissy, but Lizzie was delighted and they were tasty and refreshing.  The three of them had a pleasant evening and James insisted on calling Lizzie a taxi.

That night, Robbie was awakened by the sound of James’ voice calling for Robbie.

“Robert. No.  Please, Robert.”

Robbie came into the sitting room and spoke gently to James. “Settle down, lad.  It’s only a bad dream.  I’m right here and everything’s going to be just fine.”

“Come back. Robert. Don’t leave me.”

Robbie leaned over and touched James’ head, “I am never leaving you again, by choice lad. You rest easy.  I’m here.”

“It’s my fault. Dad.  It is all my…”

Robbie continued to speak to James for most of a half hour. James settled and Robbie returned to bed.

 

The day of the funeral was the first time James saw Robbie in his new suit. He’d done the fitting whilst James was at work.  It was worth the expense ten times over to see that the look on James’ face.

For the first time, Robbie caught the look of pure longing in James’ eyes. Robbie scratched his head nervously.  “I suppose it will have to do.”

James snorted a laugh. “You know you look dazzling.  It’s perfect.”

“Well. So long as you approve.”

“Hope so. I..umm…ordered you three others. Different fabrics, but…”

“James. You.”

“Don’t say no. Please.”

“Fine. But I will be paying for them. No Don’t. Truth is, this is the most comfortable thing I have ever owned.  I would’ve gone back on me own.  You were right.  Worth the expense,” Robbie did a little spin. 

James smiled and it was the most beautiful thing Robbie had seen in years. The two of them looked like a couple in their matching suits and contrasting but identical ties.  Robbie noticed they even walked in step again, just like the old days.

It was two days later, the funeral over and the main events dealt with that James brought up the length of Robbie’s visit. They were relaxed, having both had several whiskies.

“Though I dread bringing it up. How long do you plan to stay?”

Robbie thought for a moment before taking the plunge. It was time James knew he had no intention of returning to New Zealand.  He tested the waters. “Depends on how long I’m welcome.”

 “One way ticket then?”

 “As a matter of fact, yes.” He watched James, waiting for the moment his words dawned on him. 

James’ eyebrows went down and he frowned. “What are you saying?”

That wasn’t exactly the enthusiasm Robbie was hoping for, so he clarified. “Guess I am telling you, I am not going back.”

“What? Why?”

Robbie swallowed. James looked honestly offended. Robbie explained carefully, knowing already that this was going a bit south on him.  He resolved to just keep his cool.  “I don’t belong there.  This is home.“

“What about Laura?” James looked angry. “This isn’t going to be retiring from your retirement all over again—“

“Not like that. I had planned on coming next week anyway. She knows.  May have demanded it a little. “ God, he didn’t want to get into the whole mess just yet.  He wanted to find out how James felt about him and let him know that the feelings were returned, not rehash he and Laura’s argument.

“You’ve lost me. How…makes no…”

Robbie looked up at James and saw that he was heading toward an epic meltdown. “I really hope I haven’t. Lost you that is.” Robbie said pouring another glass of scotch.

James jumped off the sofa and began mumbling as he randomly searched the apartment. Robbie was frankly terrified as he realized that James had had some kind of split with reality.  He was searching for clues as to whether or not Robbie was real. 

Robbie watched him and tried to settle him down, but James was not listening.  He slammed his hand on the counter hard enough that things fell.  Then held his arm and it was such a parallel to what Lizzie had described the night he’d nearly died that Robbie lost his calm.  He had done this to James.  He had destroyed James and his dad had lost his mind before James and he had made their peace.  This was far worse than he ever imagined.

“Jesus, Mary and…How long has this been going on?”

“You broke up with Laura? And you waited a week to tell me this?”

Robbie threw his hands in the air and with exasperation replied, “Had a few other issues on me mind that came first. When did this nightmare business start?  What have you been doing to yourself?  You are thin as a rake, you scream in your sleep, For me!   There were enough bottles in your wheelie-bins for a party and I don’t think you have had any mad bashes to account for them.  Joe says you keep the hours of a bloody vampire. Lizzy says you are off the rails when it comes to taking reasonable precautions.  You were in a knife fight with a suspect a month ago and got forty stiches and I had to find it out from your sergeant.  Yes, I was coming back.  How could I bloody not? “ 

As soon as Robbie said it, he knew it was a mistake. This was not what he wanted.  He came home to make James his, not drive him away.  This was not trotting out as he’d hoped.

“I don’t need you to mind me, Robert. She called you?  I am going to …” James was losing it and Robbie couldn’t seem to pull him back from that edge.

“What? Get rid of her? Because she cares?  Because she sees?  It wasn’t your fault that your Dad died, James.  You can’t drink away nightmares.” He didn’t know what to say and was just throwing things out hoping to see what he keyed in on.

“I don’t want you here.”

Robbie wasn’t that easy to get rid of. If they were going to have this out, then so be it. “Too bloody bad.”

“Then I will leave,” James shouted at Robbie.

 Robbie took a step forward to stop him. Did he not remember his first DI?  A half-cabbaged copper wandering the streets was a tragedy waiting to happen. “The hell you will.  You have been drinking!”

When James spoke, the things he admitted nearly broke Robbie. He acknowledged he’d not been fit to be on duty when he’d confronted Ralston Baker.  He hadn’t felt the wounds.  Alcohol and adrenaline had made him sloppy and unaware of his injury.  Robbie explained as best he could, the essence of what had taken place in New Zealand and the things he’d realised.

They were just getting to the good part when James’ phone rang. The evening had been ruthless for the Thames Valley Constabulary. Drunks on a crime scene were a horrible idea and Robbie was not even officially back to work yet.  But duty called and they answered.

It was nearing five by the time they finished up with the drunk on the tracks. It was glorious.  Lizzie was feeling her bottle and gave them a hard time but though it made James blush, he was obviously pleased by her jibes. 

Robbie couldn’t wait to get James home and show him that the reality was that, for as long as Robbie was alive, James would be cherished. Any feelings of regret or fear of being seen as some pervy old bugger were carried away with the joy he could feel casting off James in waves.  Hell, James had made it clear to Lizzie what they now were in a moment of exuberance, and though she’d come close to making them regret it, it was clear that James was willing to jump into this with both feet.

They returned to the flat, worn out and ready to put their heads down. Robbie couldn’t stand it and pulled James to him and palmed his cheek, pulling his face to Robbie’s.  James tensed.

“No worries, lad. It is just us. I have loved you for ages and nothing will ever change it. Not your temper or your broken bits or even death. This is just the next step in untangling some knots that have wasted some of our time.  This is where we belong.  Do You feel the same?”

James nodded. “Of course I do.  How could you ever have doubted it?”

“Because you never kissed me. Fix it.”

James lurched forward and closed his lips to Robbie’s. It was wet and sloppy and beyond brilliant.  James was trembling as he took Robbie by the hand and led him to the bed. 

Robbie unbuttoned James’ shirt and James sighed in frustration. “You’re going to be very cross in about thirty seconds.”

Robbie nodded. “ I know. Show me.”

James removed his shirt, holding out his arm for inspection. Robbie sighed and directed, “And the rest of it.”

James shrugged out of his vest and Robbie couldn’t control his gasp. “Jesus. We were eating dinner.  When I saw it was Lizzie.  I didn’t think you were alive.   Would have been better coming from you.”

“Didn’t see the point of worrying you.”

“Translate, you didn’t want to get bawled out for acting like a rookie?”

“Well, bawled out again. Jean called and Moody made an example of why my actions should be considered a failure, though I did stop him.”

Robbie smiled. “I see.  Just so you know.  I worried every day.  I taught you how to go the extra mile, but I didn’t do a very good job of teaching you to stop.”

James let his breath out and chuckled. “So technically this is your fault?”

Robbie nodded as his hand traced the still healing wound. “Aye.  I should have been here.  You were wrong to send me away.”

James looked confused. “I didn’t send you away.”

Robbie didn’t argue but he gave him one of his patient passive smiles.

“I sent you to what I thought would make you happy.” James smiled bashfully, but his face was scarlet as he tried to control the emotions stirred by what he’d just said. He looked down, undoing Robbie’s shirt cautiously, as if he would be told to stop at any second.

“I know. For future reference.  That’s here.  In front of me now.” Robbie reached up and kissed him again.

This first time of exploration and learning the sighs and hungers of a love grown by measures, reflected their mutual unwillingness to see it end. They touched and worshipped this thing neither thought could be possible a short time ago.  When passion finally could be deferred no longer, James cried out in Latin whilst Robbie cried in blasphemy.

After their post-shag naps, Robbie caught James studying him. “Spit it out?  You are thinking chaos, lad.”

“Who was he? I couldn’t have been your first.” James asked the question as his mind toppled through his languid thoughts to find clarity.  “I thought you…were…”

Robbie chuckled. “You thought I was the epitome of a certain box, yet somehow refused to put others in boxes out of kindness? “ He shook his head and kissed James’ forehead. “You made the same mistake with Oxford Jill.  You thought a woman could not be the killer because statistically women are not capable of such cruelty.  I made that same mistake when I was a new DI.  And we made a joke about our mousy little bookbinder, only for that blind spot to bite us.  Don’t feel bad.  I was just as blind to you…all this time.  What could you want with the likes of me?  I was far too sure of that and I couldn’t see past me own prejudices. For me it was age. We do the best we can and have to reassess when new evidence is introduced.”

James considered what Robert said. “Just wondering. Will all of your philosophical love lessons involve serial killers?”

Robbie stood and headed to the bath. “They say you should use what you know, Aye?”

“You very poignantly didn’t answer my question.”

 “Come on, bonny lad.  Let’s have a wash and see if I can make you speak some more Latin.” Robbie didn’t feel ready to address the particulars.

 

 

They sat in Moody’s office. Joe was uncomfortable and kept clearing his throat.  “I don’t think I understand.”

“Sex, sir. He and I are no longer in a position of authority and subordinate and have embarked on an intended long term homosexual romantic relationship and in the spirit of full disclosure, this is your notification.” James said with a perfectly bland aloof face.  “We will also share a domicile.”

Moody peeked up at Lewis. “This wasn’t what I meant by our little talk.”

Robbie couldn’t stand it. He lost it and didn’t have a hope of hiding his attack of braying laughter.  James looked over at him with something between betrayal and confusion.  “Share with the class, Robert.”

Robbie erupted in those hissing shudders that can’t be stopped and cause collapse of all ability to control body functions. Moody caught them and began snickering as well, though he made a valiant effort to hold it in.

“I fail to see what is so funny about this. What went on in this little talk?” James demands with suppressed anger.  

“He was worried you were working too hard and I promised to…to get you sorted,” Robbie hissed and choked his words.

“And here you are…sorted!” Moody added just before he gave up and joined Robert in uncontrollable shudders.

James sat and blinked at them both indignantly. “Might I mention the two men giggling like school children in a human relations class are the ones who felt the need to critique my dedication?”

James sat quietly. He looked at his watch. He got out his phone and read an article on arsenic poisoning.

Moody and Lewis found the irony impossible to contain.

 

Laura Hobson was hunting for a house. She missed Robbie, but she knew he and James were each other’s air.  She was surprised that she was content.  But four days after Robbie left, she had been offered a permanent position and a salary that was twice what she had ever made in Oxford.  She had accepted on the spot. 

She returned to Max and Pauline’s. Judith and baby Emily were having a snack in the kitchen.  Max looked up at her and mentioned offhandedly that Laura had a visitor waiting out on the deck. 

Laura looked out and her breath caught. She looked at Max who grinned with confident pride.

“How?” Laura whispered.

“Merry Christmas, a bit early. Okay, three months.” Max waved her to go on.

The man turned as she opened the glass door. “Hello, Laura.”

Laura grinned. “Franco.  What are you doing here?”

He bowed to her. “I have retired. Thought I would check your schedule and see what you thought about taking a little holiday from your holiday?  I hear bird chatter that you are fond of Italy and have a six weeks break before your position becomes permanent.”

“I should kill Max. If I were not feeling an essential need to kiss him right this second.”

“He always was something of a Matchmaker. Perhaps it is time we let him close our file?”

Laura glanced back into the house. Max smiled and sighed.

 Pauline shook her head.  “I hope you know what you are doing.”

“Can’t you see it? He is her Pauline and she is his Max.”

“You have it backwards.”

“Nope. That’s the mistake they all make.  They see the boxes,” Max said kindly. 

“Stop. You didn’t do so well with the David, Hal, and Rex parade.”

Max smiled and with a deep sigh looked at his wife, taking her hand. “Didn’t I?”


	3. Every song I sing...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie comes home and tries to navigate his akward sod.

 

Oxford was dressed for Christmas. James dreaded it.  He’d spent the last eleven years watching Robbie survive them.  His own dislike for the holiday season remained without any mention.   Robbie had resolved to let the past go and not ruin this first celebration of his new life. 

Robbie decided to make his new intentions plain with the purchase of a Christmas tree and a few sets of sparkling bobbles with which to decorate and make the flat cheerful. He could have borrowed from the several boxes of ornaments in Laura’s attic, but he had a need for the trimmings to be as new and shining as their newfound connection.

He came home and found James, drinking alone. Not a good sign. 

He leaned his small but lush greenery tied and sleeved next to the front door. Robbie sat down with a glass and held it out.  He waited for James to speak.  They were both good at the interview technique so the clock hands took a lurch before James finally spoke.

“I don’t know how you will feel about this. I don’t know for sure how I feel.” James slipped an envelope out from under his bum.  He slid it toward Robbie and drank the last of his wine, immediately pouring another glass. 

Robbie looked down and recognized Laura’s hand writing. The envelope was expensive and formal.  Robbie opened it and read the invitation.  He sighed and grinned. “This has you tied in knots, drinking alone in our kitchen?”

James shrugged. “Bit final.”

“I hope it is. For her sake,” Robbie said deadpan.

James smirked for a split second, but didn’t say more.

“James. This isn’t a lark for me.  The day I got off that plane.  This.  Us.  For me, it was final.  I am nothing but happy for her.  It is who her cousin wanted her to be with all along.  Why he hated me.  He knew.  We should give her a call and offer our congratulations.” Robbie took James’ hand.  

James looked at him and nodded. “I just.  I was afraid you would realise…what a bad job it was…settling for me.”

“Thought I chased away your existential flu?”

“We are off Rota for the holidays.”

“You have a problem with that?” Robbie frowned, studying James.

“We have always worked. It is how we cope.”

“It is how I cope,” Robbie corrected. “I have been a sod about it for years, me.  I want to do better by you this year.”

James sneered. “Not just you.”

“Okay? How many guesses do I get?” Robbie prompted after it became apparent that the younger man intended to explain no further.  

James took a deep breath and held it for a moment. He dipped his head and said with a nearly robotic lack of inflection, eyes wide and vacant.  “Fourteen years ago, my mother committed suicide.  She did it because of me and that is why my father hated me, probably why he lost his mind.  It is why Nell is kind to me but can’t look me in the eye.  I was sent away.  After Creavecore.  They were too disgusted to live with me.  I was given the option of coming home after three years.  I chose to stay at the monastery.  My mother took it badly.  But she reconciled my rejection with my desire to be a priest.  When I … “James was shaking with fury.

He blew his cheeks out and took another drink of wine. His voice was calm again.  “When the priesthood didn’t work out for me and she found out that I was gay, she hung herself to save my soul.  She thought she could trade my sinful soul by condemning her own. On Christmas day.  I work on Christmas, then I go to mass and beg her soul for forgiveness, and I try to … keep my Guv, my friend, from topping himself to join his wife. That’s what I do.  I don’t know what to do this year.  I don’t…Please say something.”

Robbie squeezed his hand. “You waited all this time to tell me?”

James blinked and shook his head slowly. “I knew it would change how you see me.”

“Yeah. It does.  It pisses me off at all the weight you have had to carry.”

“I tried so hard to…I am capable of…with a woman. I did try…to make what she did…mean something.  I will lose you for it.  It takes everything and everyone from me.  One way or another, “ James whispered the last part. 

Robbie stood. “If you believe that, you don’t think much of me. Having a shower. The tree flock makes me itch. We will talk more in just a few minutes.”

James stared forward but gave no reaction.

Robbie went to the loo and got in the shower. He was quiet as he cried for his James.  He had never known for sure what had happened, but it had only been suspicion before.  He knew James carried something terrible, but the reality was worse than he’d imagined.  When he got himself under control, Robbie finished in the shower and went back to the kitchen.  James was not there.

 

 

 

It was two in the morning when James’ keys jingled in the lock. Robbie began to breathe heavy in relief. His mouth hung open as he tried to calm himself. 

“You still up?”

Robbie looked at him, unable to speak.

“I was at work,” James offered. He was red-eyed and blinking.  “Got to get these contacts out.”

James returned a few minutes later and sat gingerly on the sofa. “You set up the tree.”

Robbie shrugged, thinking it was obvious. “Didn’t know if there was a point in decorating it.  Just wanted to get it water before it was ruined.”

 “You’re angry with me.”

“I was afraid. Thought you wouldn’t come back.”

James poured himself two fingers of whisky into a glass and offered Robert some, but when he declined, James filled his glass with a bit more, recorked the bottle of Glenfiddich and sunk deep into the sofa before he spoke. “You will have to leave me, Robert.  I tried before I had this. I tried when I had no expectation of ever knowing your lips on mine.  There is no possibility now.  When you decide that you want shed of me, it will have to be you that initiates and enforces the separation, for I intend to have no measure of pride in my resolve to shamelessly beg you to reconsider, even if only out of pity. ” He smiled bitterly and took a large swallow of the amber courage but not taking his eyes off Robert over the rim of the glass.  

“Do you mean it to sound like a punishment?” Robbie asked.

James was quiet but shook his head. “You don’t understand at all.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“I destroy everything I touch and I will destroy you. I won’t mean to. But it is what I deserve.  My punishment is to have to watch it happen and be unable to change the fates.”

“You haven’t destroyed me so far. Been here all these years.  If being happy is destruction.  Of that, you are guilty,” Robbie said with a little bump of his shoulder.  “To lose you is about all you could do that would destroy me. ”  Robbie smiles slightly with patient charm, trying to convey his unwavering love for the man beside him.

James nodded and hesitated before quietly reiterating, “I loved my mother more than I had ever loved another human being. She didn’t want me sent away.  She killed herself because of me. It hasn’t gotten better.  The ones you knew about were not the first, you see?” James met Robbie’s eyes searching for something.

Robbie held his gaze and narrowed his eyes, determined to convey a truth James needed to hear in no uncertain terms. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was. I destroyed my family.  I made them ashamed of me.”

“James. You can’t mean that.  Do you blame Bryony for what happened to her?  Course you don’t.  You were a child and they sent you away for something that happened to you, not because of you.  That was about them.  When someone harms your child, well, you have it wrong.  It was them feeling guilty and helpless, not you.  They sent you to get help and be safe, I imagine.  How old were you when you decided to become a priest?”

“Twelve. To pay for my sins.  By fourteen I had laughed at Will.  I destroyed him too.  I helped make the Phoenix Killer by my actions there and now my father’s death has brought me my heart’s desire.  Forgive me if I am seeing a pattern.” James closed his empty hand to his face and rubbed his eyes.  “God will punish me. If I loved you, I would send you away.  You should run, while you can.  ”

“Well. With that thinking, then we are each other’s punishment. I am the price of your sins and you are the price of mine. I am okay with that. Himself had every justification for not suffering my presence long before I ever laid eyes on you.”

James blew air from his nose skeptically. “You are the best man I have ever known. What sins could you possibly have, other than you letting my selfish desire to commit indecent acts with you lead you into perdition?”

Robbie chuckled. “Laura said we were just alike.  She was spot on there. ”

James looked at Robbie like he’d lost the plot.

James had made his confession so Robbie decided it was time for his own. “I couldn’t let Val go because I cheated on her. I betrayed me sweet lass and I will never forgive meself for it, but I wouldn’t have done it differently.  How’s that for a knot to unravel?”

James was stunned. “No.”

Robbie changed his mind about that drink and helped himself. “Don’t believe everything you hear and don’t believe everything you think, either.” Robbie tilted his head and studied James reaction as the younger man tried to assimilate this information.

“With…Laura?”

Robbie smirked and his eyes twinkled. “Nope.”

James frowned and his eyes darted about, searching for a logical theory. “That Maitland woman.  The one who is a special something or other at the Met?”

“You are thinking in the box, Hath – a – way,” Robbie said, voice almost a whisper and with a RADA theatrical inflection.

James eyes widened. “Dear God. It has been staring me in the face, hasn’t it? Your obsession with Wagner. Going to the pub to think a pint. A third of his estate.  All this time it wasn’t just hero-worship of your mentor. You loved him. Just like I fell in love…with you?”

Robbie met his eyes with a melancholy, wistful smile and said simply, “Yes.” It felt amazing to tell someone and not be ashamed. 

“I am unable to process this in any way. I can’t even conceive that you…”

“It was a different time. I was ashamed of the whole thing, because I was in love with Val.  I was never ashamed of Morse.  But we didn’t end with a fairytale and when he died.  I blamed myself, then Val just two years later.  Let’s just say, I am an expert on what you are doing to yourself.”  

“So we work for Christmas,” James said as if to himself.

“No. This year we are going to do things differently.  I have been thinking tonight.  I am not trying to be morbid here but we are going to pretend that this isn’t just our first Christmas, what if we knew for a fact it was our last?”

James eyes showed pain blooming and Robbie patted his hand and spoke faster.

 “ If one of us were to not survive to the next year, I want us both to be content.  I don’t want a thought of what we should have done but were too bogged down in the past to make the effort. I want us to suck every drop of bliss and delight out of this Christmas.  Just like it is the only one we get. Anything you want.  Anything at all, bonny lad.  Let me know I gave it to you so when someday happens, we don’t have this shite to carry about each other. Hmm?“

“Will you go to mass with me?” James asked softly.

Robbie snorted and sighed, finding humor that that would be the first request. He took a deep breath and gave a little nod as he said, “Sure I will, if you will light a candle for me Val and me Morse?  Say the proper words?”  Robbie’s eyes twinkled with mischief.  “Morse will hate that.”

James smirked and with a sigh and a kiss, he agreed.

 

 

Dinner was on the table when Hathaway came home. “What’s this?” He asked looking on the slightly burnt dish in unsuppressed terror.

It’s a bit of mutton and a bit of pork, whipped up with some veg into…well. Something for dinner.” Robbie explained with a shrug.

“So, Sweet Fanny Adam’s pie? Lovely,” James said with amusement.

“Shut up and just eat it or don’t. What I get for having a nice warm dinner laid out for you.” Robbie grumbled. 

“You just didn’t know how to fill seven days off in a row and panicked.” James smiled and took care to have two pieces whilst not voicing any specific praise.

 

By Christmas Eve, the flat was a vomitorium of fairy lights and tinsel. They had erred on the side of tasteless and ridiculous.   The smell of mince pie and mulled wine mixed with gingerbread and fir to outstep the visual Christmas cheer.  There were far too many gifts under the tree for decency and the fireplace finally had become the center of most evenings after standing cold for so long.  There were the worlds ugliest two stockings hanging to each side with pride of place from the mantle bedecked with twee dancing Father Christmases and gyrating snowmen, just to balance the eye-bleeding display of joy surrounding two men who had obviously gone round the bloody twist. 

 The makeshift dining table was gaily set for sixteen, complete with crackers and carefully chosen and painstakingly wrapped joke gifts at each place, to be opened during dinner.   Both a leg of lamb and a goose slowly roasted in the oven and there was not an inch of oven space to spare for any other treats.  A huge Christmas pudding steamed on the hob.

James and Robbie put the final gift, meant for Lizzie, on the table, giggling at her expected response when the purple foil paper and elaborate green bow was removed and she beheld their offering.

“Do you think it will be too much?  Eight taxidermy mice pulling a ceramic white pumpkin, we are sort of embarking on a theme?” James asked as he adjusted the wine glasses to accommodate the larger box.

“Relax. The stuffed moggie can chase them when she’s not after Tony’s engineer squirrel.  I really liked giving the poor sod two commissions just at the holidays.  Think it meant a lot to him and he did a really great job of it.  That little drafting table and the detail he put into the blueprints is just ...  It may be a joke, but they are canny in their own right.  If they balk we just tell them it was that or something from the sexy…”

“Yes, despite it being from a former case, I do think the sexual harassment clause would be hard to challenge with both Moody and Innocent sitting across the table a cracker pull away as my sergeant opened lingerie.” James interjected.

Robbie grinned then sighed contentedly, “Not to mention Tony. I cannot believe herself is coming.  It’s going to be a proper day, lad.”

James stopped and considered for a moment, “Do you suppose Mr. Innocent actually exists? I mean no disrespect but…”

“You think he could be…”

“Yes. Buried in a shallow grave for the last decade and no one the wiser.” James finished with a bit of a shudder.

Robbie chuckled and shrugged. “She does have a temper.  Lucky thing she always liked you.”

“God. What would we do..if?” James imagined out loud. 

Robbie thought for a moment. “Don’t know about you, but I will be keeping me own business to me own house.  On that one at least.  Best not know.”

“It would be our job.”

Robbie took a deep breath and blushed a little. “Probably a very good time to cry conflict of interest.  Be hard pressed to be able to follow evidence leading to the arrest of a woman that saved your life.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. When do you mean?”

“You’d have burned without her. I wouldn’t have figured it out in time if she hadn’t known about the baby names site.”

“I didn’t know you still thought of that.   You pulled me out…when I had.  Well, If I had burned, it would have been …”

“Don’t you say it. Sorry I mentioned.  Yes.  I think about it.  Every day.” Robbie took a deep breath.  “Not the only moment that nearly could have cost us…probably won’t be the last either. “ Robbie touched James’ face with gentle reverence, “And that, bonny lad, is why every ‘now’ we get is going to be the best of times.  I don’t care if She has his skull on her bloody mantle, I won’t be asking for its provenance because all I care about is you…alive…here with me…and there are some more names to put on our candle list for tonight.  Even Zoe Kenneth.  Time to forgive the past, and let it forgive us, Aye?” 

James nodded and smiled as he went to the counter and jotted down several more names upon the pad already two columns long. “We are going to have to get there early.  Probably should give the bloody fire department fair warning.  This really is a bit ludicrous. “

Robbie put his arms around James from behind and rested his head on his lover’s shoulder. “It isn’t. Not if it makes you feel better.”

James kissed the side of Robbie’s face, “It does. Even if you don’t really believe.”

 

 

 

The church was lovely and solemn in its feel with soaring music and a room full of shining eyes.   James had spent nearly two hours lighting candles and offering softly murmured prayers for each name on the list. Robbie had studied him as he stood before the lovely smelling beeswax candles, James’ movements were precise and reverent, and he could just see the shadow of Father Hathaway in the low light.  Robbie offered up pure gratitude, suddenly feeling a surety that the same entity that was currently hearing the words James spoke somehow communicated to Robbie for the first time in a very long while as well. 

Tears sprang to Robbie’s eyes as he felt something along the lines of an understanding. It could not be called the rumbling voice of God, yet Robbie heard it in his heart all the same. His heart beat accelerated and he felt a little faint and for the flash of a second his vison wobbled and James fazed through from suit to priestly robes to ethereal wings.

**_Do you see, Robert Lewis, that I gave him up, knowing you would need him more than I did?  He would have been great, had I kept him as my own, but I made him walk through all of his trials to save you.  Look at what I gave up and treat him with every kind of love I have shown you, for only that will save him as he saved you ._ **

Robbie sat down and tried to stay calm. Logically, he knew it was just his imagination, but he couldn’t get the thing he imagined out of his head and the more he focused on it the clearer his mind made it. He was working himself into a panic when he suddenly grasped the most important factor.  It didn’t really matter if it was real or a small stroke of some sort, he felt somehow better and a wave of gratefulness bubbled up from a place he had long associated with pain. It had been an agony for so long that he didn’t remember it hurt until it was not there.

When mass was over, James and Robbie walked quietly. The night was crisp and there were stars peeping from the tree branches.  Robbie felt absolutely alive and at peace. 

“You liked it?” James ventured hesitantly.

“I did.” Robbie agreed quietly.

James waited but when no more was said he asked with certain interest, “Something happened?”

Robbie stopped and turned to James. He studied him and saw a familiar pure joy shining from within that had long ago seemed to fade.  Laura had told him that the James they knew had never come back from his long walk, yet Robbie had not quite realised it until he saw him this second, because the soul that looked back at him was far beyond that long ago James.  He gave him a wry smile and admitted with surety, “Yes, canny lad.  Something happened.”

 

James smiled but asked no more questions.

 

They intended to open gifts the next morning before guests arrived. They had pulled off their coats and James had checked on the roasting meat.  He spent several minutes turning things and fitting the new configuration back into the oven to get an even presentation.   Robbie went to the tree and pulled out a deep Tardis blue wrapped box just the size of a loaf of bread and set it on the sofa table. 

 

James joined him and sat next to him. He noticed the package.  “Am I meant to do this one now?” 

“Always open one Christmas Eve. Though it is technically morning,”  Robbie said with a straight face.

James hopped up and dug through the packages producing one for Robbie. “This is nothing.  Just a … Well.  You’ll see.”

James picked up his box and gently shook it. It thumped heavily. 

“Don’t break it. Just open it.” Robbie said with an expectant look and a tolerant grin.

James pulled the paper and opened the box, carefully parting the tissue. He snorted gleefully then his face fell.  He pulled the item out of the box and tossing a smirk at Robbie as he cast about for terms to describe his gratitude.  “Well, that is just…I mean it’s …absolutely atrocious.  Its …ummm… me with bloody wings?”

The treetop angel was, in fact, wearing a black suit with a waistcoat and had blond hair and a rather snide glaring smirk of an expression.   There was a cigarette in its mouth and a tiny guitar slung over its shoulder.  Large white feathered wings erupted from the shoulder blades and could be spread out into several wing positions.  One arm extended with a miniature warrant card flashing that said ‘Detective Angel ,J. Hathaway’ in tiny print.   

Robbie was shaking with mirth at James’ dismayed expression. “It does look a bit familiar.  Unfortunately shaped face and all.”

“And you expect me to shove a tree up its arse. Not sexually suggestive there at all.  Well, thank you for the most unspeakably hideous thing anyone has ever had the thought to buy me.  Where did you get this blasphemous work of idolatry?”

“Shops in town. The one that has the puppet display in the window.  Making the puppets is a dying art and there isn’t as much call for them these days.   So for the season they do these tree toppers.  That little suit was even made from the one you ruined in the knife fight.  They put a lot of work into them.  The wings are sewn so they move properly, not just glued. You bring in a photo and they…” Robbie gestured to finish the sentence.  He dried tears of mirth at James’ reaction on his sleeve as he explained the effort he’d put into his own gift of playful prank.  “Be thankful it isn’t a stuffed creature or naughty smalls featuring an elephant trunk for your willie!”

James gave Robert a reproachful look but laughed at that image. “Well, I am not putting this on the tree.” He said carefully putting it in the box after tucking its wings back into the storage position. “Open yours”

Robbie obliged and found an Ipad. He raised his eyebrows and mentioned that in a few years he might be able to use it provided he had constant IT support.  James made a joke about Gurdip being known for his miracle work.  He also very boldly mentioned how reading fine print would no longer be an issue since Robert was too stubborn to get his eyes checked unless he was on a case.

“Can’t say I have much faith in eye doctors considering those we have crossed paths with. Now let’s just…”Robbie reached for the angel and James whipped the box out of his reach.

“Oh, come on. He’s perfect.” Robbie reached again in fun. “It is a canny thing to remember our first Christmas with and I …”

“No. Please?  No.”  James was not in any spirit of humor or meaning to playfully tease as his face was quite serious.  

Robbie studied James for a moment.“ You really don’t like it?” Robbie read and was slightly surprised.

“I’m sorry. I really don’t.  It was funny…don’t get me wrong…just.” James said warily. 

Robbie stood and dropped his eyes. “Sorry.  I didn’t mean to…well.”  Robbie turned quickly and shuffled off to the loo, softly closing the door.

James could see he’d hurt Robbie’s feelings.   He looked at the stupid tree, with no topper and back at the nightmare presented.   He knocked on the loo door and asked, “Is it important to you?”

There was a pause. “A bit, maybe.  But, just never mind.”

James stood there fretting and with an audible sigh at his stupidity and a drop of his shoulders in resignation, he snatched the thing up and stuck it on the tree. It proceeded to sag and fall.  It didn’t break.  He tried again and Robbie came up behind him catching it before it fell again.  He showed James the ring of wire under the suit jacket and the clip meant to attach the top heavy James to the tree properly. 

“Why don’t you like it?” Robbie asked once he had it up and the wings extended in all their glory. It really was too large for the tree, but it looked just right to Robbie considering the absurdity of the other decorative choices.

James pressed his lips together and lowered his eyes. “It is just that it makes fun of a divine being and I will be the object of their wrath.  As if I am proclaiming a vanity I neither feel, nor could ever hope to declare.  I’m sorry, I know it is just meant as a joke … it is just offensive to me on a base level. “ 

Robbie looked at it and nodded. “Bought it as a lark.”

“I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I do acknowledge and appreciate the thought.” James reiterated, face dark and brooding in confusion.

“ Before tonight, I would have laughed and thrown it way if it bothered you,” Robbie admitted.

“ But now you refuse to do so?” James asked, seeking clarity.

“It doesn’t’ have to stay on the tree if you really can’t get past it, but I’m not getting rid of it. Bury it with me if you don’t mind,” Robbie said thoughtfully. 

James turned his head, eyes wide in disapprobation. “Bit creepy.”

“Sorry. I have grown used to you watching me back. If I’d had one made of me instead, I could see why you won’t want an ugly old fart on the tree.”

“Ever heard of elf-on-the-shelf? Me on the tree is the same thing, full stop.”

Robbie reached up and locked the wings into a different position, only half extended and pulled back slightly so it was not quite so oversized for the dimensions of the tree. “We will have to get a bigger tree next year,” He observed.

James’ breath caught and his head snapped toward Robbie’s. “The weightloss, the hints about this could be our only Christmas.  Your return from New Zealand.  You went to…Do you have something to tell me, Sir?  An issue of health you have felt unwilling to convey?” He was in full on detective mode and terrified to boot.

“Stop. The answer is no. I swear to you, it is nothing of the sort.”

“Really? Then what is it?  All of this? “ He was surveying the room, wild eyed and slotting the pieces together in the wrong way. “You changed tonight.  You have settled it in your mind.  If you are going to die, you could at least…”

“You’re as obsessed with me dying as I am with keeping you alive.”

“You hand me this thing and tell me to bury you with it and I am not supposed to –“

“It is all in your mind, James. All that stuff you dreamed…when I was away…Let it go? Yeah? Healthy as a horse, me.  I will go to any Doc you want if you need the proof.  Won’t even grumble if it will set your mind at ease.”

“But tonight. You looked so…I don’t know.”

Robbie met his eyes and shrugged. “Something happened.”

James snorted and cracked up. “God. You’re taking the piss and I was starting to fall for it and…” He met Robert’s eyes and his face blanked.  “And you what, think I have invisible wings? Believe me, they would get in the way of rumpy-pumpy.”

Robbie smiled and shook his head. “I can’t explain.  Maybe I just had ..well, who knows. Maybe a doctor will find a stroke or something, it was the first thing that came to me if I am honest. “

James anger burbled up to the surface. “Do not say that.” James checked his tone, “ Sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just … you are scaring the living shit out of me and –”

Frustrated, Robbie just blurted out what he could,“Look… I saw something that wasn’t there, heard something that wasn’t there and no matter if I lost me mind… I want it to be true. I feel better than I have in decades.  I can’t believe you stand there praying for over two bloody hours and think I am … Hey, it doesn’t matter.  It is Christmas Eve.  I just want to… “

“If you believe you saw something sacred, who am I to question it? I would give anything for it to happen to me.  I spent years… not important. I still don’t see how it makes that not an abomination.  But if you say so, then there it stays.” James said with a near fearful respect and formality.

James grabbed his cigarettes and headed out the French door and down into the scanty back garden. He had refrained from smoking in the flat since Robbie arrived.

Robbie sighed heavily and followed. It was quite dark now, everyone else long in bed. Robbie stood next to James and looked up at the stars.  He spoke quietly, not wanting to wake the neighbors.  “Do you ever wonder, what your life would have been if you had become Father Hathaway?  Where you would be right now?”

“No. I failed.  I don’t deserve to pine for something I’m unworthy of …no. I have come to terms with it.   I don’t think about it,”  James said stiffly.

Robbie tried again, “What if you had to make a choice. You could save a thousand souls or just mine.  Which would it be?”

James blushed. “Even my answer would be a mark against me. Your soul, though you don’t intend it to happen I imagine.  I know a lost cause when I see it, but I would still choose it.”

Robbie nodded, “Well, you couldn’t have done it as a priest. Hard case, me.  So you didn’t fail.  You were directed.”

James laughed. “Great.  Shall I jump in a volcano now?  Golum’s quest fulfilled? ”

Robbie reached out and took James’ hand and squeezed gently. “I think you may have done it.  Could that be something you could see?  Looking back from here?  If you had to make all the same exact choices to get here.  Would you go through all the pain for me directly rather than just as part of seemingly random circumstance?  No regrets.  Would I be worth that much to you?”

James looked at Robbie darkly for several heartbeats. “What did you see, Robert Lewis?”

Robbie chewed his lip and shook his head. He closed his eyes and spoke, softly.  “You. I saw you. Like that, but not funny.”

James reached up and felt Robert’s forehead. “You’re burning up.”

Robbie let every scrap of his love for James shine through, feeling it roll out of him growing and churning bigger. He opened his eyes and looked at James and let him truly see in the marginal starlight and the sliver of what light spilled from their own glass door.  “Yes.  But I am not sick.”

James breath caught. His eyes widened.  Throwing his cigarette away, he went back inside wordlessly and stood gazing with hatred up at the top of the tree.  Robbie joined him and tired again to make him understand. 

“We are not an abomination. We are made of light and something out there cares.”  Robbie said as if it were as casual as weather.  “Maybe there is a plan, James.  Just maybe.”

James reached up and touched the trousers of his effigy. “I am no angel. Robert.  Lately, I am so far from it, I fear you picked the exact opposite representation of my hereafter continence.  If there is a plan, condemnation is the likely destiny.”

“You can’t believe that. Not deep down, “ Robbie said pulling James into his arms and holding him.

James bowed his head to Robbie’s shoulder and took a deep breath, breathing him in with relish. “You don’t understand, Robert. I dream horrifying things and sometimes they come true. ” 

“You haven’t’ been. Not since I first got here.”  Robbie wrapped his arms around him tighter, giving him ground.  “You are not dreaming, James.   You are just waking up and untangling all the knots we never understood.”

James lifted his head and smiled down at Robbie, “Only time can answer. It is a lovely thought.” James bent to Robert and kissed him.

 

 

Christmas dawned and people arrived. Both Joe and Lizzie voted that ‘James, the Christmas angel’ was the most hair-raisingly, disturbing thing they had ever seen. They had not yet opened their own Christmas gifts.

 Jean Innocent found it perfectly charming. She was later a good sport about the spider shaped house slippers.

 Nell took pictures of it and pictures of her brother and posted them to social media.

 Gurdip and his Grandmother brought a ton of sweets though they didn’t actually celebrate Christmas, they welcomed the chance to be included in the festivities without any religiously founded reservations.  The grandmother blessed the winged -demon doll after Robbie caught her trying to quietly introduce it to the fireplace.  James intensely denied any coercion.


	4. i will make you mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end and notes

Lynn and family were too busy chasing the smallest members to ever offer an opinion and the rest refused to take any side but egged the dissenters of each side to continue sarcastic battle over the smoking angel that looked so much like the man smoking in the garden.

 The roast meats came out brilliantly despite everyone assuring James he was not supposed to roast things that long.  He blushed and smiled. He stood and offered the blessing in Latin and insisted on joined hands.  He then switched to English and asked each person to say the names of those they wished blessings upon who were missing from the table.  He quietly asked peace and prosperity for each.

 Jean did not mention Mr. Innocent.  Robbie and James both mentioned the newlyweds Laura and Franco. 

People commented that James had done some sort of kitchen magic because the meat was not dry.

“Mum did it that way,” Nell finally confessed. Everyone had already offered their sincere compliments and nobody dared argue with dead Mum cookery folklore.  

Jean cornered Robbie in the kitchen as the sun set and card games were brought out. “At some point, I do expect a full account of how this occurred.  The truth.”

Robbie looked up and knew what she was implying, “You didn’t miss anything. It has been mentioned that we are both a bit stubborn. “

“Agreed. And?”

“And we only figured it out ourselves. Promise.” Robbie assured her.

“I believe you. I should mention that I spoke to Laura. I meant to hint, not tattle, mind.  I merely suggested that she return before they filled her position.  I was slightly surprised when she went on to say she had accepted an indefinite post.  I got an invitation a few weeks later.  Shocking?”

“Well, things are not always exactly what they seem,” He said kindly. “I like the new boss, but we all miss you.”

Jean smiled and gave a humble nod.

“I don’t miss having to go to all your penguin-suit functions, “Robbie added.

“Careful? You were being lovely, don’t spoil it, Lewis.”

Robbie grinned, properly admonished. “Joe says I am not his type.  Course, he doesn’t seem as set on the Oxford royalty as you were.  I worry that may be a disadvantage.”

Jean sighed and whispered, “Divorced. Okay?  I just prefer not to be in my position with the delightful gutter rabble knowing that a single female…I keep some things private.”

“Oh. Well.  Understandable.”

“If he were dead, I certainly wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave the evidence on my Mantle.” She whispered conspiratorially.

Robbie grinned in pure surprise. “James has quite the imagination. Ma’am.”

“Indeed. I was rather touched by his assurance of your rather disturbing loyalty.  Thank you, by the way.  I am most honoured.”

“Your welcome. But it wasn’t like I offered to man the shovel, mind.”

Jean smiled and sipped her drink. “Yes, you would.”

 

The final guests left around half ten, though some had gone much earlier. Robbie made himself a plate of leftovers, heavy on the afters and lean on the veg. 

“That will give you nightmares. And indigestion this late.” James said popping on the Dr. Who special that recorded earlier.

Robbie looked offended. “It’s Christmas!”

“Yeah. Best one I had since..for a really long time.” James assured. 

Robbie smiled and nodded with his mouth full and James leaned over and asked in his most charming, batting lashes and pleading eyed way, “Can I take it down now?”

“Put it in its box and don’t you dare break it.” Robbie said trying to chew and speak. 

James folded his hands and bowed his assurance.

 They didn’t even manage to get dressed for Boxing Day.  The day after was spent packing away the Christmas décor.  Only then did it become truly evident how far they had gone overboard.  James made twelve trips up a ladder to an attic space not meant for storage and they had not started on the tree other than to remove the angel.  Robbie hid that in the back of an airing cupboard so it wouldn’t disappear.

On Sunday morning, James quietly made his way to mass. Robbie didn’t join him.  His experience didn’t change his surety that grand displays were not on the path he walked.  What had happened to him was quiet and far too personal to tarnish with any public proclamations of new-found devotion.

He puttered around the house and read his paper. He texted Laura several times, asking if she had settled into her new job.  He inquired about how her holidays had gone. 

She sent back similar greetings with several pictures. Max and Pauline had hosted, with a tinsel bedecked canoe full of refreshment.  She forwarded pictures of the baby dressed for the pleasantly warm Christmas weather.  

He sent her pictures, one of which featured the angel, the rest just snaps of the flat and the guests.

 She explained her intention to sell her house, hinting that any of his things should be removed at his convenience.   He assured her that he would see to it and asked if he could help her any other way.  She asked that he continue to check on the place when he had time until she could find time to decide what she would transport, store or dispose of entirely. 

He smiled with a tiny twinge of disconsolate jealousy that he’d been unable to make her happy. He would never have admitted it, because he certainly didn’t regret the outcome, but he acknowledged to himself that though he’d gained what his heart wanted, that she too would always have a place there as well.  He missed her and had to resign himself that the number of times they would see each other in the future could probably be counted on his fingers and that was regretful to him. 

James returned and he didn’t take the news as if prepared for Laura to never return. He was on the phone with her late that night, and though he said nothing about it, he seemed a bit lost by whatever the two of them had discussed. 

Robbie and James returned to work and life settled into pints and puzzles and if not a perfect picture of happily ever after, at least the nearest thing to what two coppers could call heaven. Of course there would come a day in which life would change and there would be conclusions to certain experiences, but for a very long time, they had this place, kept safe from the storms with the light they found in the eyes of the other. 

 

 

 

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Thanks for reading – hope you enjoyed it. I had no intention of writing the other side of this, but couldn’t help it.  The internet is off and I kept hearing them, so I thought I would play with it.  I hope it didn’t go to smoopy with the thing that Robbie felt.  I just see him as a great soul who would somehow make his peace with his life and yes – I made James suffer.

But his father’s reaction when James said ‘Mum died twelve years ago, Dad.” Put this whole mess in my head – that there had to be some breach that had never healed.  His dad reading his books and making notes, but never talking to him about them seemed just tragic.

 I got the feeling that James was quite young when he had stayed at the Monastery because he was made to run and his Father talking to James’ old mentor must have happened after he was an adult.  So to me, James spent time in this little place, then went to Boarding school perhaps and on to Uni?  It had been seventeen years since he’d seen this friend, so I wondered if James felt some disaster too great for forgiveness.  Could that have made that amount of time lapse?  

From hints in Life Born of Fire and also the tiny inferences we can see in Dead of Winter, I do feel James has had a very dark period between Priesthood and police force.

Everyone wants to think their family will be strong enough to survive a terrible event, especially when they are people with strong faith, but faith and families can be broken. People often refuse to talk about family when they feel guilt, shame or betrayal.  There is precedent for this in this series.  Until this moment, we only knew James had once had a disabled aunt.  Robbie and his son, Mark, are never brought up past the initial explanation, only Lynn every now and again. 

It dawned on me that James lost his Mother around the same time Robbie lost his wife and that was a thunderclap that he’d never before hinted of his own bereavement whilst professing with venom that it was “Not my fault, your wife died, Sir,”   I thought it was really odd even way back then.  So I ran with it and here you are.

This grew as time went on and I didn’t want to tell exactly the same story as the first section. (I hate when it is word for word perspective switches) So I did cross some points of reference but what James saw and inferred would not be the same as what Robbie focused on or felt – so I hope I left enough parallel moments that you can see that story two ends in the same heart-place, but much later on the timeline.

Also, I had to give Laura a basis for what Robbie described on his return without her looking like a shrew. I had to justify her actions and not just leave her pining for Robbie in perpetuity.  That was as sad as the canon end for James. 

I adored their drunken confrontation and Laura admitting she knew about Morse all along. (Yeah I sort of could Ship Morse and Lewis just a tiny bit – not really, because it was a different time – but there was just something about Morse – he was one of those old farts who was still just – I was a very young person and would have certainly chased after a man like that – to heck with age.)

I wanted Robbie to have some guilt of his own in order to be able to empathize with James’ guilt. So it had to be Morse and real love and not some made up character for it all to set Robbie up as not the bumbling innocent.   I remember in ‘Life Born of Fire’ how angry it made him that a man could look at his own son and not see the same person.  He was not afraid to ask James and yet when James seemed to toy with him, it seemed to frustrate him. 

To me that was the moment they should have begun but both of them had obvious reasons to pursue the subject no further. To me it said James was afraid to lose Robbie and Robbie was afraid of giving away why he had such an open mind.  I know many men who have had anomalies in orientation and are terrified for anyone to know.  It doesn’t make them bad people, but James’ speech was spot on in that ‘Is there a line down the middle?” because on both sides, I find there still is.  Bi isn’t a real thing – that’s just greedy and means you have no self respect – Blah blah blah – people can be arsehats.   To straight people you are gay and to gay people you are betraying the union or something – LOL.    


	5. Do not read if you don't like sad endings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a small summary of their life -- yes we all die eventually, and Robbie will go first and james must carry on... just life in case you want to see...

So this is the end – you don’t have to read it because it is sad. For me I just wanted to play it out to find out if they made the right decision. 

 

James stood at the site long after the last mourner had left. The workmen were filling in the dirt.  He’d promised Lynn he would not tarry here long, but she knew he would not keep his promise.  He was always late and he intended to be late this time.

Young Robert would scold him, because the weather was shit. He looked so much like his grandpa that Lynn’s third child was obviously his favourite. Couldn’t help it.  James stood in the rain, upset that they had lowered his Robert into the muddy slush.  He wasn’t at all sure that he would not stand here until he collapsed.  He knew that what he loved was not here, and yet it was all he had left of his life. 

He tried to keep his mind from imagining inside the box, the cells no longer vibrating with the spirit he had to face the world without. Just days ago, they had held hands. 

His long ago words made him smile. “We don’t do holding hands.” That simply wasn’t true in this case.  The two of them had held hands until the last second. 

He’d tried to cry, but so far nothing had allowed it. He was too busy running every second of the last thirty years though his mind.  Maybe the first eleven didn’t count because technically they were not romantically involved, but they had loved each other far longer than the nineteen years they spent living the life of reprobates of Leviticus.

When you said the number, eighty-five, that sounded so very old to James, who was now about to bowl into his own sixth decade. It was hard to fathom that Robbie had been still a little older than he was right now when he had discovered that he was in love with a fellow copper. A man.  James couldn’t imagine starting over at this point in life. 

He thought of Val. He wondered what she would have to say about Roberts’s years beyond her.  Had Morse come for him, as he’d said?  James hoped so.  He prayed that it was real. 

Half an hour went by after the workers had finished their task. James had stood in the rain, mind wandering freely from point to point, his heart feeling the weight of the earth pressing down on that box holding the shell of his dearly beloved.  

His thoughts were interrupted by the Geordie twang of his sergeant. “Sorry, sir. Been sent to fetch you.”

James blinked with disinterest at Giles Howell, his seventh sergeant if you included his original two week wonder. Another he’d agreed to take on had lasted little longer, but he only kept them about four years, that was how it was done these days, everyone on the fast track.  This would be his last. “By whom, pray tell?”

“Says her name is Doctor Laura Westin and I don’t know who she is, but CS Heart jumped like he was on fire when she rang, Sir.”

At that, James did smile. “I imagine he did, sergeant.”  

“Do you know who she is?”

James felt a tug of mischief-maker when he replied, but it was satisfying in a childish way. “That would be my late husbands, ex-girlfriend. Any more questions, Canny Lad?” James asked solicitously. 

The young man visibly blushed and addressed his own feet, “Umm, no, sir. Again, I am awfully sorry to hear of your loss. But she said..Umm… I am reading this sir -- you will stand here until doomsday and there are about two-hundred and thirty people who are waiting to have a cry on you.  I have fortified them with courage and nibbles but Robbie would be offended if you don’t come to his party.  Again, I am sorry – here is the note…word for word.”

“Very well. “ James declared as if he were slightly put out.

The drive back to the White Horse was silent. The place was packed but the crowd seemed to part as if he had an invisible crowd control shield preceding him. Several people touched him and offered some small gesture that he returned almost on auto-pilot.

A tiny dark haired pixy stood before him and at last, the urge to break welled up with the tears in her own eyes. “Still dishy as ever, Chief Superintendent.  Well, I require hugging?”

It had only been a few months since he’d seen her, but it was a lifetime ago. He picked her up and squeezed her tight and just held her like that far longer than decorum should call for.  “God, Laura.  I didn’t expect you to come.  So sorry we couldn’t…he wanted to, you know.  How are you holding up?”

Regaining her feet, she shrugged. “I understood.  It’s killing me, in fact.  Both of them, same year.  Never quite stopped loving him.  But you know, we take one day at a time.” 

“He spoke of you often. I assure you.” James said, with a kiss on her forehead.  “I didn’t expect you.”

“Didn’t want to be a bother. I may be ten years older than you, but I am ever so well preserved.”  She raised her glass of wine as if it were her secret weapon against the onslaught of time. 

“You will stay with me, of course,” James ordered.

Laura looked sceptical. “I have reservations.”

James grinned, “Is it something I said?”

Laura scrunched her nose as she grinned. “Not that sort, you numpty.”

“Hmm. And you imagine I can’t cancel those other kind?” James returned.  He looked innocently toward the celling as he quietly stated that “We can do it the easy way or…”

“Oh fine. Would you believe I still have a key?” She laughed and held it out.

“Done and dusted. Mines a pint if you would be so kind.” James said as he cocked his head toward the patio.

“I thought you gave that up?” She demanded.

He nodded and sighed, “Newly renovated.”

“Ahhh.” She tilted her head disapprovingly but said no more.

James was not the only Luddite still smoking old fashioned cigarettes. “Young Robert?  Where in hell did you pick up this nasty habit?”

“Hello Young Pops. Don’t tell, Mum.” Robert had picked up his habit of calling him, Young Robert, to distinguish him from his Robert, and had always addressed him as Young Pops instead of just Pops like the others. 

“I will tell her.” James assured. “He would be screeching in deep Geordie at both of us about now.”

“All the more reason to do it.” Young Robert said, hopping up and down because he was cold.

James lit his and held the smoke deep. He’d only recently picked up the habit again, but he was enjoying the thought of it speeding him back to Robbie far more than he knew was the intent of a healthy mind.  “In my case, yes.  In yours, not going to fly. “

“So, you seen Uncle Mark yet?”

“Mmmm. He’s…not quite what I envisioned.” James admitted.

“Hate him. Right tosser, he is.” Bert stated.

“Don’t be disrespectful. He is only here for a short time.”

“Hates you. I hate him.  Full stop.”

“I am sure he has his reasons. Robert was his father too.” James said diplomatically.

Bert looked up at him and shook his head. “Reasons? Shit that happened before you or I were in the cinema.  Grampa used to tell me ‘bout him.  Nice stuff.  I was looking forward to him.  Three minutes in…Bob might be my uncle, but he sure isn’t.”

“I scheduled your entrance exams for the spring. Right after your birthday.” James changed the subject.

“So you know Mum’s going to be…”

“I do believe she will be. You had your Grampa’s support and you shall now have mine.  No special favours, mind you.  You have to swim with the sharks.  But, with your matriculation and my estimate of your exam scores, you should be more than qualified.  You don’t have to go into CID you know.  There are other equally rewarding…”

“How could I not? From old Thursday down to me.  You sure DI Maddox will take me?  It’s just, I want to stay in the line.  You know? Thursday, Morse, Lewis, Hathaway, Maddox, to me.  It’s where I belong…until the day they carry me outa here” Young Robert stated just as he had since he was about twelve. 

“Oh yes. Maddox will be most pleased.  She asked the other day how much longer before Detective Sergeant baby-Lewis would be in. Get used to that, don’t take offence.  She loses her sergeant in two weeks and will finish Howell for me.  By that time you should be ready.  We have to take you suit shopping.  You are my Grandson.  They will expect a bit of toff.” James said, happy to think of something besides Robbie never waiting at home for him ever again.

“You don’t have to, you know. I wish I could be your bagman.”  


“Mmmm—Trust me you don’t. Lizzie will tell you horror stories.  All true, I assure you.  Besides, we are related.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Only advice I have for you is she likes her coffee dark roast, two sugars, three cream and her name is Ma’am. You refer to her as Aunt Lizzie just once and you will never live it down, neither will she and I can assure you she can make your world burn with one look.  You need to understand, there will be those who will not like you.  You don’t have to fit in or be one of the lads.  The Morse line is noted for results, not team building.”

“Bit maverick are we?” Robert said flippantly with some pride.

“Don’ think for one second, it means frivolity. We work harder, longer and with open minds others are incapable of.  Your Grandpa taught me that.  Detective Inspector Maddox will expect you to live up to those standards or she will find another who can.  At home, I will be your Young Pops, but in the nick, don’t expect me to fight your battles or cut you an ounce of slack.  I won’t.  I will have to be harder on you than anyone and they will still accuse you of riding my coattails.  We deal with the worst of humanity and it will eat into your soul.  It isn’t for everyone.“

Young Robert’s eyes were wide.

James smirked. “Still sure you want my division?”

Young Robert’s face blanked and he said quietly but firmly, “Sir, more than you can understand.”

James smiled and nodded his approval. “I won’t say it often enough, just always know, how very proud I will be of you. And know, he never had a doubt.  Your Grampa will be smiling every day.”

“You about done with that tumour stick you old windbag, sir?”

James laughed a sharp barking sound of pure exasperation. He headed back into the breach, pleased and far more able to see the future. 

Laura had a table and he swallowed half a pint before he set his glass back down.

“Owwww, is that Little Robbie?”

“My Grandson, yes. Sitting his exams in the spring.  Lizzie will be his Guv.  His Mum is not best pleased.” James offered.

“Oh. Did Robbie know?” Laura asked, watching him make his way through the crowd.

“Yes. He was pretty chuffed about it.”

“Hard road.” She said.

“Not for him. Too much of Robert in him.”

“Jean was here earlier. She couldn’t stay.  She’s gotten so frail since I saw her last.”

“She’s still a big deal with the Oxford jet set. Presides over I don’t know how many charities.  I fear I have neglected her of late.”

“She understood.” Laura assured him.

Lynn set her glass on the table. “So. Just two hours late. You walk here?  Yuck you are still wet.” She said ruffling his hair. She leaned in and sniffed.   “And you have been smoking!”

James bit his tongue. “Yeah, about that.  Who do you suppose I also caught smoking?”

“I am going to kill him,” She stated.

James smirked and cleared his throat, “Well, that isn’t the only thing he needs to speak with you about. In the spring.  Lizzie has agreed to be his Guv.  She’s the best, Lynn.  Your dad…well.  Don’t be too hard on him.  He’s worked hard for this. Gave up his gap year.  I have plenty of room at the house and I will keep an eye on him.”

Lynn sighed. “James, dammit.”

“I know. But, is it really such a terrible thing?  Made your dad happy.  One of the last things…”James blew his cheeks out and took a drink from his pint.  “Made me promise to look out for him.”

Lynn looked resigned but miserable, “Yeah. I know.  You just…you never had kids.  I remember it from that end.  Wanted better for my grandchildren.  He could be anything.  I think I wish he’d rebel, just a little.”

“No you don’t.”

Lynn looked up at him. “You’ve been shot three times, James.  It isn’t like the old days. I can’t even remember all the injuries.  Dad came home covered in blood when I was little.  I saw him covered in yours once. Yeah?  You didn’t see Dad, when it was you.  That’s my baby.  If he ends up on a slab, I will never forgive you.  You or Dad.”

“Two of those didn’t count. Barely a scratch. “James said distantly.

“They all count. You know they do.” Lynn said picking up her glass and stalking her son.

“Well. Happy families are just the greatest blessing during the hard times.  Don’t you think?” Laura offered with deadpan sincerity. 

“I’m so tired, Laura.” He looked at her and saw he’d connected.  “I don’t quite know how to do this. All of this.  I start in less than a month and I am…terrified.  I was promoted by idiots.  Could have pulled it off…but now… I still went to him for advice.  Right up to the last.  Every day.  Sometimes it was shit advice, just for disclosures sake, but it was there.  I am too tired to even figure out how to get myself home and come up with something plausible that would allow me to skive off.”

“Drink your beer. I will get you home,” Laura assured.

James passed the next three hours saying the same things over and over. Every time, it seemed farther away. 

Yes, he was lucid right up to the end. Yes he was in some pain, but they had kept him relatively comfortable.  He had not wanted people to know until it was necessary.  Yes, they had time to prepare.  Yes he’d consulted up until he’d turned eighty, but less than originally. It was unprecedented but he’d enjoyed it and he never bored the younger ones with his training classes, they had in fact still requested him last year.  His heart had weakened and he had been very tired, but he had made a few taped classes on several subjects so his knowledge was not completely lost.  Yes, their wedding was charming and no, the age difference had never bothered him.  He agreed he was lucky to have had him with him for so long.  If he heard one more ‘better place’ comment he was going to slice their eyes with razors.  Robbie’s better place was here with him. 

Finally, Laura made his excuses and drove him home.  He was in a social coma and could barely function.  He sat down and Laura made herself at home, busy producing tea and biscuits.

 It had been her home once.  He and Robert had bought it when it had been on the market for two years with an energetic estate agent.  The market in Oxford was simply stagnated by a gap between housing prices inflated yet income level crashing.  It was too upmarket for most and too down market for those who could afford this price range.   

“So your Grandson will be moving in?”

“That’s the plan.”

“All my things are at the hotel.”

“Anything you need? You know where to look.  Help yourself.”

“Do you maybe want to be alone? I did,” She asked carefully. 

“No. I really don’t.  Thank you for…coming here.  I would have just gone to work.  It’s what I do. Well did.  Not lately.  I felt him slipping away and…the end was … not good.  I don’t tell people, but he fought so bloody hard to stay.  Wasn’t afraid, just wanted to stay with me.  It all went so fast.  Feels like just a couple years ago we decided to buy this place.   I can still remember the first Christmas.  He bought me this stupid bloody angel…ugly as hell…looked exactly like me.  I can still feel the heat of the car I was leaning on when Jean walked over and asked him to be my Gov.  I was so nervous he’d say no.  I was already half in love with him.  Just the other day he pulled me out of a fire.  Carried me down the stairs.  I wish I could have all the hours I missed back.  I wish I had just more.  Thirty years sounds so long.  I should be thankful.  It was a lifetime.  I was afraid we would only get a few months.  Time is such a luxury and we waste it.  How can we be so wasteful?”

Laura sat next to him and just let him ramble.

Laura looked at James. He had aged so much since she’d first met him, there was grey in his hair.  It wasn’t really blond any more.  He had deep lines around his eyes and sorrow had etched his mouth into an unflattering scowl.  But he was still recognisable. 

He seemed to drift off and a snore told her he was asleep. She put a pillow under his neck, covered him with a blanket, and hoped he wouldn’t be too sore in the morning.  She went to the small guest room and curled up in her cloths, just pulled the blanket over her from the foot of the bed.  She cried into the darkness for her Franco as well as for Robbie but also for poor James. 

James was up fixing tea and staring at nothing when Laura came downstairs and looked confused. “If you are here, who is snoring in the east bedroom?”

James frowned, setting his cup on the counter. He headed up the narrow stairs. Laura saw him cautiously open the door and sigh.  The colour of the light streaming onto his face was a vivid green, but James still looked a bit sick as he returned to the kitchen. 

“Well, this should be lovely. “ James shook his head pulling his phone off the charger and automatically flicking the plug switch off. “Young Robert.  As if I am not in trouble with his mother enough.” He dialled the phone as Laura gave him looks of sympathy.

“Lynn? James Hathaway.  He’s here.” 

There was a thirty minute storm as she went through several emotional backflips before she botched the landing of the gratitude manoeuvre.

The only part Laura heard for certain was, “Excuse me for believing that you trusted me with your Dad these last thirty years and perhaps you might consider your son in equally diligent hands.”

“I see. Thank you for clarifying our position.  My mistake.”  James hung up the phone without another word. 

James dropped the phone on the counter and slammed outside, his face red with rage.

“What’s wrong wiff Young Pops?” A sleepy voice asked from the staircase.

“I think it is something involving your mother.” She informed him. “Hello, You probably don’t remember me. I’m Laura?”

“Corse I do, Aunt Laura. You got short?” He kissed her cheek and looked out at James.” Oh. Yeah.  I looked worse than that last night.  I finally gave up.  No reasoning wiff her.”  He seemed to realise he was at fault for James’ state.  “Why she do this.  He’s already a bloody jumble sale in a hurricane.”

“I don’t think the timing is exactly his fault.” Laura replied.

Young Robert picked up James’ tea and took it out to him as an olive branch. “Sorry ‘bout me Mum.  Wotcha?”

James offered him a cigarette. “No matter what she says, you were upset last night and you came here. Exiting a situation is always better than being pushed to the point that … you don’t care.   You could have done a hundred stupid things and instead you came to a cop’s house and crashed in the spare room.  Her response is overboard, no doubt, just keep in mind that she just lost her dad.”

“You got to not listen to her, Young Pops. I see she done broke somefing.  Wot she say?”

“You will always be exactly what you have been to me since the moment you were born. If, in the future, you choose to distance yourself from me, I will quite understand but, I will never stop caring for you as my own.  She is ultimately correct, I am not related to you by blood and have no right to impose myself…”

James found his hand clasp. He looked at Young Robert.  “You stop.  First time I spoke to Grandpa…you know…when we knew there was nothing else to do…he made me promise.  He wouldn’t be here to watch your back.  Passed the torch.  My job. Told me you were a complete twat and would I please keep you from being the drunk on the tracks.  The case he kissed you on?  It was just taking the piss, he knew you’d be roughcut but still not boggers.  Just made me promise that, you know, I’d be your family.  No matters, right?  Got toppers credentials but too much bottle for the pills, yeah?”

“God, I am old. In English please?” James said with a disgusted sigh.

Young Robert grinned and his cheerful voice rattled on and on but seemed to have no end to enthusiasm even when covering some very dark subjects. “Grampa put me in your hands to train me up, didn’t even want me on the force if I didn’t fast-track to Maddox, Burns, Carter or you. Said Howell is a trog.   And, he put you in my hands to make sure someone loved you even if you are a twat most of the time.  He knew you would not be shining like a diamond for a while but I had to remember you still were a diamond under it all and your personality would put most people off.  But he said you would might get a bit muddy but you wouldn’t sling too much shite or dig your own grave, just you know Roughcut, not boggers.  He told me you had every reason to find a way not to live, but not to worry about it even if I see it because you are too brave to do that to someone you care about even if it would be easier. Said your Topper’s cred, you know shit that happened in your life, was total Gillis…erm…very hardcore and wild?  Like that telly guy who makes people drink their own piss, eat bugs and shit?  Gillis means – ”

“Yeah got it.”

“So, last night. She say some stuff. She don’t mean it.  But I got this weird thing, can’t tell you.  Just told me to come here and soz Ping tada.”

“Is this the grammar they taught you at Harrow?” James reproached.

“You pissing me? That shit get you man-knickers down and riding the cannon.” Young Robert said with horror.

“Please, dear God, don’t translate that one.”

“I know how to speak properly, should I interview octogenarians. But if I am to relate to the uneducated, unwashed masses, I must do more than speak your toffy nosed, boffinese,“ Young Robert said with perfect elocution.

“I speak Boffin. Out of kindness to my ears…”

“YP? Somebony need to tell you ears they got lift, yeah?  Flap em and you be fly?” 

James sighed and shook his head. “You know, despite your grand effort, you probably will not be able to catapult me into this century.”

“Grampa said you and I were alike.” Young Robert bumped back hands with him in a ridiculous new move meant to engender friendship, “He said you were a fool for lost causes and so was I? I will take my chances.  You seem trainable and reasonably bright.”

James smiled wide and pleased. “He was on pain meds so I wouldn’t hold out too much hope on his accuracy.”

“I will deal with Mum. She will rip you apart if you let her.  I don’t have to be trained on how to swim with sharks.” Young Robert said carefully.  “She isn’t the sweet perfect person Grandpa saw.  She was his little angel and he was pretty blind to how she is.”

“Your mother loves you very much,” James said with surety.

“I know. Not disputing it.  Just that the way she does it.  It can be bit psychopath. “

“How do you mean?”

The younger man shrugs, “She knows how to hurt people with her words. But she doesn’t know when to stop.  She manipulates people.  Grampa was about the only one who would stand up to her because she’d back down from him.  You said you wouldn’t fight my battles and what is the first thing you did and she got to you.  I can see it on your face and I can guess which artery she went for.”

“All these years. I thought she considered me family.  I won’t lie.  It was a blow.  I can see anger but…that…” James said quietly shaking his head and fighting tears. 

“To me you are. Nothing has changed.  She doesn’t get to make that call.”

James laughed and said, “You forgot to say it in street.”

“You me blud. Clock bongin she deffa brain.”

“Do those sounds actually mean something? That is atrocious.”

“You were young once, you know what it is like.”

James shook his head, “No. I never really was.  I was born this age.  Took me a while to grow into it.  I never fit.”

“No I seen pictures, You fit.”

“Some thought I was attractive, not that kind of fit. Your Grampa, was the first person I remember who liked me after we had a fight.  It was a big one.  I am so thankful that the only person who ever mattered thought I was not repulsive.  But I never made friends and palled around with anyone.  I was never cool, or whatever noise you now make to represent that concept.”

“No matters. Fit-n-proper  clackers have the drama for the trauma but the bats got the real dark and still see” Young Robert offered casually.

James snickered. “Mixing your metaphors  Blud.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
